Every parent loves a compliment about their kids. Whether it’s the hair color, curls, smile, politeness, or obedience, is not really relevant. We all just like to hear nice things. This weekend I had a chance to really see some separation from my kids and their peers. You know that Nita and I have been really adamant about a discipline strategy revolving around consistency and structure. I think I figured out why it is more apparent to me. I work with a lot of military folks and I read a lot of their books. I also see how the rank and file respond to the orders of the commanding officers. So before any of you think I’m trying to raise followers or good little subordinates, I’m not. But I’m trying to build a foundation of respect. It is my opinion that if you don’t establish that base early, then later you’ll have to tear them down and build them up again.
It’s going to sound a little crass, but a good comparison is a golf swing. Bad habits can creep into a golf swing VERY quickly and I’m paying out golf bets like an ATM machine to prove it. A few years ago I tore my Achilles tendon. I was in a walking boot for a few months. I asked my doctor if I could still go hit golf balls (we were pregnant with Connor at the time). He said, “You can do anything, the boot will keep you from reinjuring yourself…but you’ll destroy your golf swing.” What he meant was I would adjust my swing to my new condition and that in turn would become my swing. Then once my foot healed and I went back, I’d have to essentially start from scratch to find my “old” swing. For those of you who don’t play golf this may not make much sense, but you may have heard the term practice makes perfect right? Well that is wrong, practice makes permanent, perfect practice makes perfect. So you have to protect your swing from these bad habits. Again, if you play once a year or even once a month, it doesn’t matter, your just hoping that whatever foundation you built earlier (if any) will get you through the round. If you play a lot, you know what I mean.
My point is, if you allow your kids to go nuts with no structure and anything goes, then once you need them to be obedient (don’t run into traffic, do your homework, don’t spit, throw food, etc.) they don’t have a solid foundation. Bad habits have crept into the “swing.” So you essentially have to start the entire discipline training from scratch which I’m assuming is way harder when they are older than when it is just merely the “routine of the house.” So Nita and I have been really conscious of establishing a solid foundation while the kids are young. They say “yes sir, no ma’am. Please and thank you.” And they address our friends either by last name or “Uncle.” Plus they have a very sweet disposition as it is, and that might just be Nita’s genetics coming through (although I’ve witnessed a red moment or two and anyone who is related to a red-head knows what I mean here).
So our two events this weekend were an Easter photography session and a children’s birthday party with a petting zoo. The first went amazingly well. Although the kids were completely captivated by the bunny, they followed instructions and sat pretty still (for a 3 year old and 16 month old anyway) for the pictures. They followed the photographer’s instructions and she was extremely complimentary of their demeanor. This was made more obvious by her own 3 year old who was whining and crying almost through the entire shoot. Also, as soon as we were wrapping up two other kids came in for their shoot and they were immediately hitting and biting each other. As we were strapping into the car seats we could still hear them crying and the mother pleading with them to behave.
The next day was a petting zoo, jumpy castle, birthday party for one of Connor’s classmates. Connor loves both of these things and he had a wonderful time. He was so good in fact he got two cupcakes, and that boy likes sweets like he likes mud. So they opened the petting zoo portion first and Connor has been to several of these. We’ve been having one at our house since his first birthday. Connor walked right in and started petting and picking up the animals. Meanwhile the other kids were screaming and generally losing their minds. I had our new camera and was giving Connor instructions while he was inside. He would put the chicks back in the box when other kids would take them out and drop them. He would pick up the ducks and hold them against his cheek. And when I thought he had a bad hold or might cause some harm to one of the animals, I would ask him to put the animal down or change his grip. He followed every single instruction and never missed a beat. Again, all this while some kids were reenacting scenes from Hitchcock’s “The Birds.”
Then Josie came into the fenced area. She was also fearless, she’d pet whatever animal I put in front of her and cornered one of the ducks, bent down, and “quacked” to in what I’m assuming was an attempt to communicate with it. When she got too close to something, I’d say, “No no no Josie.” And she’d immediately stop and turn around. I was so proud. Many of the parents came up to me and just gushed over how well behaved the kids were. The grandfather of the birthday boy even made a point to say that Connor was “fearless, but kind” (it was in Spanish and doesn’t translate exactly). I told him that he’d been exposed to animals very early and that was probably it. He refuted that modest claim and said he’s been around animals and children his entire life and it isn’t just exposure. I was obviously honored.
The jumpy castle was my biggest surprise. I’ve talked about the first versus second kid syndrome before. For example, when Connor was little he only drank distilled water and Josie basically drinks out of the hose. So we were very careful around Connor when he was first trying to walk. I put down all kinds of pads and bumpers, etc. Josie falls all the time and just gets up, and shakes it off. So back to the jumpy castle, Connor was not a huge fan of it prior to his second birthday. Now he loves them. Josie had not really been exposed to one yet. I wondered how it would go. She LOVED it, face plants and all. She’d get bounced by a bigger kid, hang out for a second and then get up. She’d look for me or Nita, smile and then push herself up to a stand and try to jump again. It was really cute. She was also good with all the other kids around the party which is a good indicator that she’ll be ready for pre-school next fall.
So the point is I think the foundation is working. Our kids are sweet, relatively obedient, calm, tough, and are not being deprived. One of our former nannies even took Connor to the new Dr. Seuss movie and Connor apparently did great (until the last 15 minutes when the sugar from the gummy bears kicked in and he “had” to run up and down the aisles (I later learned that he at least asked to do it and even said please). Luckily they were the only ones in the theater. We are very protective of their upbringing and are always quick to complement their good behavior while immediately shutting down bad behavior. Actually in the airport on Sunday I saw a little girl just plop down in the middle of the walk way and throw a full on tantrum. There is zero chance that would have happened to us. It might have started there, but it would have not lasted the full minute that the poor mother allowed it to last. In any case, I was thinking, “Ma’am…I think there is a hitch in your swing. You might want to get that looked at.” J
Finally, for those of you who actually think that I’m comparing my children to a golf swing, here’s the final clarification. For the folks who play with me regularly, they know I love my children way more and in fact my golf swing is pretty much in shambles right now. The reason (and Nita will still argue that I play too much) is I’ve been playing a lot less golf since the kids were born. Further, I almost never just go practice anymore either. So my game is showing the signs of my lack of attention. So parenting is my new golf swing. I read all the time about techniques, esteem, etc. while I’m on the road. I ask friends and even total strangers about their experiences and how they overcame certain phases. I constantly tell stories about my kids and love when I get feedback of similar stories from other parents especially if there were different outcomes. I’m constantly trying to learn, grow, and anticipate how to help guide, protect, and still encourage my kid’s individuality. So you see Parenting is my golf swing, and I’m trying very hard not to let bad habits creep into it.
No comments:
Post a Comment