Does it hurt when I do this

Does it hurt when I do this?

If you are responding to any form of this question after the splenic embo (inside lingo for embolization) then the answer is a resounding yes!  A lot! It’s about an 8, where ten means I am going in to remove the rest of the spleen myself. But a few good things happened this week.

Friday, the pain made me glad that we came home Thursday and didn’t wait around. The pain was just starting to go into overdrive (still no appetite btw) but a lot of my distress was alleviated by the fact that I was just glad to be home.  The pulsating waves of dull and sharp pain were mostly manageable with the hydrocodone until I woke up Saturday.  That is when the pain really came raining down.  Two things were happening.  1. I had not had a movement since the morning of the day of the surgery. 2. Any pressure (like for example a stomach not emptying itself) at all on my spleen was causing acute stabbing like pain which radiated up to my left shoulder (yep, made me nervous too, but apparently that is normal).  I rechecked my prescription list, this time with my glasses on, and noticed there was a mild laxative that was supposed to be picked up.  What I didn’t notice before was that it was over the counter, so I could have been taking it as early as Friday.

Choosing Hydro to fight this was a very very bad decision.  As stated last week, if your doctors offer you stronger pain meds, you take them! Period.  Nita kept the kids entertained and I just stayed in the mancave and finally ate some of my mother’s caldo (chicken soup) for dinner. I had already had two doses of the laxative. Key learning point, use the right tools for the job.  Hydro was not the right tool for this job.

Sunday, mercifully I pooped.  I had been farting and moving around and even chewing gum (all the tricks of the trade), but this was perhaps the best poop I’ve had in a very long time.  The problem (not that I’m complaining) is that it definitely had the aroma of a movement that may have been lodged for six days.  Good thing blogs aren’t scratch and sniff, right?  The smell was nothing compared to the pain of the dying organ and the modicum of relief when a little less pressure was put on the spleen. 

So how would you describe the pain?  Glad you asked.   I was informed by two oncologists that people who recover from heart attacks talk about the chest pain.  That chest pain is the organ dying inside the body and the body’s attempt to absorb it and go on about its business (not really knowing that it’s pretty essential, but figuring it out along the way).   So, the spleen pain is similar in that they have just killed 60% of an organ in your body and left it there.  The body then has to absorb the dead tissue while the tissue still fights for survival for a bit.  That is the what, here is the how: It feels like you are being stabbed repeatedly in the side.  Constantly. 

Another analogy that more of you may be able to understand, especially fighters, wrestlers, and football players.  Broken ribs or pulled intercostal (between the ribs) muscles.  Remember that feeling that any expansion of your rib cage causes pain?  It’s kind of like that, but without the relief that pressure or a wrap might normally provide.  With the dying spleen, deep breaths hurt more, shallow breaths hurt too.  Pressure on it hurts a lot, laying on the other side of your body, hurts a lot.  Sitting up hurts, laying down and standing up hurt.  Is there a comfortable position?  No.  You ride it out…with the wrong drugs.

Mercifully on Monday I had an appointment at MD Anderson to go over the results and check for bleeding.  The results were fantastic.  We needed 100K platelets and we recorded 176K! That was fantastic.  I told my doctor about my medication flaw and he rectified it on the spot.  He wrote me a script and the lovely and talented Karen Sonleitner who is a rabid longhorn fan but was also a Travis County Commissioner took it up to the pharmacy for me. Yes, Karen was my celebrity driver on Monday and thanks to her we had a very easy drive up and back on Monday.  Oh, and my CEA score came back at a solid 14.0.  That is unbelievable considering I’ve not had any form of chemotherapy since January 3^rd.  That is not a huge jump, so we’re not seeing a really aggressive takeover of my organs while waiting for trials.  This is actually great news.  I wonder how much of this is due to the holistic approaches? 

In addition to prescribing the correct medication, Dr. Kee sent in a trial intake coordinator to speak with me.  She said that my original tumor tissue needed to be biopsied to ensure it had the proper markers.  Those will be fine since this is actually a trial specifically for colorectal patients.   That is the most exciting part.  I will not just be some dosage lab rat for a generic cancer drug.  These may or may not work on me, but at least they were designed for colon cancer folks and that is me. I’ll be among the first humans to ever try this…but remember somebody, somewhere ate the first egg.  That had to be a risk, right?  “Okay, Gruuudt, whatever comes out of that chicken’s butt…I’m going to eat it.  Deal?”

Saying our prayers for repentance to absolve sins

In all this excitement and pain management and poop anticipation we almost forgot about Connor’s big day.  Connor received his first reconciliation on Thursday night.  We were so proud and very excited and even practiced a few confessions Wednesday night (with made up sins).  But it is important conceptually when you think about it.  Being able to recognize when you have done something wrong and sincerely apologize for it is a big part of a healthy relationship.  Whether that relationship is with your sibling, parents, spouse, friends, or God.  Even your children, it is important to apologize to them when you make mistakes, remember that you are training them to be an adult with every word and action you choose.  This will be good practice for him recognizing that you don’t have to be perfect and there is a vehicle to absolve your sins if you will just sincerely apologize for them.  Yep, it kind of is that simple.

Taking it one step further, a large part of my journey has been not only sharing my story and trying help folks along the way, but also finding those whom I have wronged and asking their forgiveness.  Then in turn allowing them to either forgive you and absolve you of your sins or not (it is still their choice).  But learning this skill as a child is extremely valuable in becoming the type of person you want to be around.  Sure you can have fun and do stupid things, but if you wrong someone, you stand up, man up, and apologize.  No excuses as to why it may have been someone elses’ fault.  It’s the very first step toward accepting responsibility for your actions.  So off my soapbox, but I think it’s a big deal.  Too few people tell each other they are sorry especially when there is an out, we have somehow demonized taking responsibility for our own actions over the last few decades and that is sad. 

Side effects:  Since the chemo has been off for a while only a few things are happening.  Nausea.  At least once a day I go on a dry heave run which makes Nita nervous, but usually passes in 15 minutes or so, 30 minutes tops.  BTW, the heaves are even less fun with the stabbing spleen situation, just saying.  My fingertips and soles of my feet still have numbness and tingling.  I had no problem throwing a baseball on Tuesday though, so it could be worse.  I can drink cold drinks again.  Halleluiah! The appetite is on fumes.  I don’t know the calorie count, but it isn’t very much.  But I’m eating enough that there are no headaches or stomach growls going on.  And finally, the splenic stabbing sensation is down to about 50% intensity since Thursday.  I was actually able to hug a couple of people at Connor’s reconciliation.

Connor had a baseball practice on Tuesday.  I took him and had no intention of participating, I just wanted to meet our team that I’d be helping coach.  I can hear some of you laughing now.  So I ended up running the rundown (pickle) drill and did a lot of coaching without the ball, but I had fun and Connor had an absolute blast.  His team is pretty salty and this should be a fun year.  And…dah dah dah…Connor will be wearing number 25 this year.  Pretty sweet.

Thursday morning I went to go see a movie with Omar.  It was nice to get out of the house and I’m wondering if my appetite is going to come back or stay in this limbo.  I can’t blame the chemo anymore because I haven’t had any in six weeks.   It must be the cancer or the surgery at this point.  Frankly, my appetite wasn’t that great before the surgery, but I’ve got some weight to lose, so no panic button there, but we’re down 10 pounds since the surgery.  Clothes fit better though.

Josephine has been going on and on about her Halloween costume for next year.  Yes, she likes her some Halloween, but I found out the real reason.  She’s THAT competitive.  Connor won the BCC costume contest two years in a row and sister is just not going to have that again.  So this year, she plans to unseat him from this throne and win the basket of candy!  There can be only one!  Love my little girl, she is a determined soul and will not be stopped.  I am confident that she will make it in life and do well.

So look at the whirlwind roller coaster we’re on.  It’s been absolutely crazy all that has transpired in the last couple of months.  From the tournament and event, Christmas, Maui, the splenic embo, and now starting new trials in a few weeks.   I am so blessed and surrounded by many amazing people. It is hard to fathom sometimes.  I mentioned that I’m going to get a trial in Houston and offers for drivers and housing started popping up in my feed.  There are angels all around us, I’ve written before, and it is worth saying again.  Thanks again to all of you, I don’t think I would have gone this far without all your love and support.   So after I post this, I’ll pop down the stairs to the rhythmic stabbing of my spleen and figure out another way to be thankful for today and love on my friends and family. 

Last thing, the title of the blog was almost, "Forgiveness.  It's more than saying sorry."  But I thought it was too obscure a movie line (Just Friends) to use for this.  But if you get it, enjoy. TeamMarco