I love my kids like my golf swing?

Every parent loves a compliment about their kids.  Whether it’s the hair color, curls, smile, politeness, or obedience, is not really relevant.  We all just like to hear nice things.  This weekend I had a chance to really see some separation from my kids and their peers.  You know that Nita and I have been really adamant about a discipline strategy revolving around consistency and structure.  I think I figured out why it is more apparent to me.  I work with a lot of military folks and I read a lot of their books.  I also see how the rank and file respond to the orders of the commanding officers.  So before any of you think I’m trying to raise followers or good little subordinates, I’m not.  But I’m trying to build a foundation of respect.  It is my opinion that if you don’t establish that base early, then later you’ll have to tear them down and build them up again.

It’s going to sound a little crass, but a good comparison is a golf swing.  Bad habits can creep into a golf swing VERY quickly and I’m paying out golf bets like an ATM machine to prove it.  A few years ago I tore my Achilles tendon.  I was in a walking boot for a few months.  I asked my doctor if I could still go hit golf balls (we were pregnant with Connor at the time).  He said, “You can do anything, the boot will keep you from reinjuring yourself…but you’ll destroy your golf swing.”  What he meant was I would adjust my swing to my new condition and that in turn would become my swing.  Then once my foot healed and I went back, I’d have to essentially start from scratch to find my “old” swing.  For those of you who don’t play golf this may not make much sense, but you may have heard the term practice makes perfect right?  Well that is wrong, practice makes permanent, perfect practice makes perfect.  So you have to protect your swing from these bad habits.  Again, if you play once a year or even once a month, it doesn’t matter, your just hoping that whatever foundation you built earlier (if any) will get you through the round.  If you play a lot, you know what I mean.

My point is, if you allow your kids to go nuts with no structure and anything goes, then once you need them to be obedient (don’t run into traffic, do your homework, don’t spit, throw food, etc.) they don’t have a solid foundation.  Bad habits have crept into the “swing.”  So you essentially have to start the entire discipline training from scratch which I’m assuming is way harder when they are older than when it is just merely the “routine of the house.”  So Nita and I have been really conscious of establishing a solid foundation while the kids are young.  They say “yes sir, no ma’am.  Please and thank you.” And they address our friends either by last name or “Uncle.” Plus they have a very sweet disposition as it is, and that might just be Nita’s genetics coming through (although I’ve witnessed a red moment or two and anyone who is related to a red-head knows what I mean here).

So our two events this weekend were an Easter photography session and a children’s birthday party with a petting zoo.  The first went amazingly well.  Although the kids were completely captivated by the bunny, they followed instructions and sat pretty still (for a 3 year old and 16 month old anyway) for the pictures.  They followed the photographer’s instructions and she was extremely complimentary of their demeanor.  This was made more obvious by her own 3 year old who was whining and crying almost through the entire shoot.  Also, as soon as we were wrapping up two other kids came in for their shoot and they were immediately hitting and biting each other.  As we were strapping into the car seats we could still hear them crying and the mother pleading with them to behave.

The next day was a petting zoo, jumpy castle, birthday party for one of Connor’s classmates.  Connor loves both of these things and he had a wonderful time.  He was so good in fact he got two cupcakes, and that boy likes sweets like he likes mud.  So they opened the petting zoo portion first and Connor has been to several of these.  We’ve been having one at our house since his first birthday.  Connor walked right in and started petting and picking up the animals.  Meanwhile the other kids were screaming and generally losing their minds.  I had our new camera and was giving Connor instructions while he was inside.  He would put the chicks back in the box when other kids would take them out and drop them.  He would pick up the ducks and hold them against his cheek.  And when I thought he had a bad hold or might cause some harm to one of the animals, I would ask him to put the animal down or change his grip.  He followed every single instruction and never missed a beat.  Again, all this while some kids were reenacting scenes from Hitchcock’s “The Birds.”

Then Josie came into the fenced area.  She was also fearless, she’d pet whatever animal I put in front of her and cornered one of the ducks, bent down, and “quacked” to in what I’m assuming was an attempt to communicate with it.  When she got too close to something, I’d say, “No no no Josie.”  And she’d immediately stop and turn around.  I was so proud.  Many of the parents came up to me and just gushed over how well behaved the kids were.  The grandfather of the birthday boy even made a point to say that Connor was “fearless, but kind” (it was in Spanish and doesn’t translate exactly).  I told him that he’d been exposed to animals very early and that was probably it.  He refuted that modest claim and said he’s been around animals and children his entire life and it isn’t just exposure.  I was obviously honored.

The jumpy castle was my biggest surprise.  I’ve talked about the first versus second kid syndrome before. For example, when Connor was little he only drank distilled water and Josie basically drinks out of the hose.  So we were very careful around Connor when he was first trying to walk.  I put down all kinds of pads and bumpers, etc.  Josie falls all the time and just gets up, and shakes it off.  So back to the jumpy castle, Connor was not a huge fan of it prior to his second birthday.  Now he loves them.  Josie had not really been exposed to one yet.  I wondered how it would go.  She LOVED it, face plants and all.  She’d get bounced by a bigger kid, hang out for a second and then get up.  She’d look for me or Nita, smile and then push herself up to a stand and try to jump again.  It was really cute.  She was also good with all the other kids around the party which is a good indicator that she’ll be ready for pre-school next fall.

So the point is I think the foundation is working.  Our kids are sweet, relatively obedient, calm, tough, and are not being deprived.  One of our former nannies even took Connor to the new Dr. Seuss movie and Connor apparently did great (until the last 15 minutes when the sugar from the gummy bears kicked in and he “had” to run up and down the aisles (I later learned that he at least asked to do it and even said please).  Luckily they were the only ones in the theater. We are very protective of their upbringing and are always quick to complement their good behavior while immediately shutting down bad behavior.  Actually in the airport on Sunday I saw a little girl just plop down in the middle of the walk way and throw a full on tantrum.  There is zero chance that would have happened to us.  It might have started there, but it would have not lasted the full minute that the poor mother allowed it to last.  In any case, I was thinking, “Ma’am…I think there is a hitch in your swing.  You might want to get that looked at.” J

Finally, for those of you who actually think that I’m comparing my children to a golf swing, here’s the final clarification.  For the folks who play with me regularly, they know I love my children way more and in fact my golf swing is pretty much in shambles right now.  The reason (and Nita will still argue that I play too much) is I’ve been playing a lot less golf since the kids were born.  Further, I almost never just go practice anymore either. So my game is showing the signs of my lack of attention.  So parenting is my new golf swing.  I read all the time about techniques, esteem, etc. while I’m on the road.  I ask friends and even total strangers about their experiences and how they overcame certain phases.  I constantly tell stories about my kids and love when I get feedback of similar stories from other parents especially if there were different outcomes.  I’m constantly trying to learn, grow, and anticipate how to help guide, protect, and still encourage my kid’s individuality.  So you see Parenting is my golf swing, and I’m trying very hard not to let bad habits creep into it.

Thanks for the memories

You know I’ve often mentioned Connor’s (and now Josephine’s) affinity for mud and puddles.  In fact I have a whole bunch of pictures to prove that the mudding thing wasn’t a one-time incident.  Connor got some new mud boots and immediately put them to use while Josie got Connor’s froggy boot hand me downs and had just as much fun.

Another funny thing happened this weekend.  One of my old college roommates flew down from Minnesota for the South by Southwest music festival.  He’s in advertising and one of his clients was sponsoring a showcase.  In any case, the showcase was definitely for a younger demographic and as we people watched and hit the open bar like ants at a picnic, some funny memories came flooding back. 

My buddy and I have talked frequently enough, kept in touch, called each other on birthday’s etc. but we hadn’t seen each other since my wedding almost 8 years ago.  And while in College let’s just say we threw some pretty nifty parties.  And I remember one specific time (settle down Dan, that’s not where I’m going) it rained, rained, rained on campus.  Baseball was cancelled so we started to go out and play a little football in the mud.  About 10 of us played for about five minutes and then decided to just go running around and doing pop-up slides, head first slides, and plain old belly flops.  As we got filthier and filthier, a photographer from the TLC yearbook staff and our newspaper started to follow us around.  I think we even made the Seguin Gazette (the city paper).  I no longer have those pictures, due to a long story, but unfortunately all my signed yearbooks, a lot of my old pictures and some sentimental stuff are just gone.  Hell hath no fury, but I digress.  And of course it wasn’t Nita. Hmm, I guess it wasn’t that long a story after all.

So when Dan flew in he came straight over and we started looking through the pictures I still have.  Most of them were party shots with ever-growing boxes of dip cans, and lots of smiles.  We identified the usual suspects, and went down the tangents of what happened at each of those parties, the after parties, trips to Whataburger for taquitos at midnight (or so) etc.  We laughed and carried on like we hadn’t been separated by 5 states and 1200 miles for the last 8 years.  We talked baseball, family, and about the event where he warned me we’d be the oldest people by perhaps 20 years (he was close). 

While I was looking around the show, there were lots of tween kids and even some just plain old children with older siblings and young moms.  What will I say in 8 years if Connor or God forbid Josie asks me to take them to SXSW for a grunge death metal/angst rock/ (or whatever the piss-off-your-parents music is of the day) show?  And how would I react if one of the older kids on our block offered to “look after them?”  Jeesh.  I’m not so sure I’d be cool with it. 

My first concert was Iron Maiden, Saxon, and Fastway with my cousin Peter.  I was in Corpus and he got us tickets and promised my parents he’d take care of me.  This was 1983, I was either 13 or 14.  Anyway, nothing bad happened, I had a great time and never felt I was in danger.  Actually I think I embarrassed a poor kid who was working as a bouncer.  He was wearing an Iron Maiden shirt and I said, “How old are you?” He replied, “24.”  I said, “Cool, I went to an Iron Maiden Concert in 1983…about five years before you were born.”

I had a town car pick us up because it saves on parking, and is way cheaper than a DWI, and we told stories all the way home.  Once we got back, we popped on March Madness and my lovely wife had ordered take out Chuy’s Tex Mex (which Dan had also missed).  And when my sweet little Connor came in around 8 to sit with daddy before bed time I was almost completely asleep on the couch.

Really?  Am I an old man now? Did I grow up when no one was looking? I guess where I’m going with this all is that Dan brought back so many memories.  I had completely forgotten about that day in the rain in College even after watching both of my kids tromp through puddles and make mud pies.  And I have no idea how I’m going to handle the kid’s questions when they ask about music concerts much less festivals, or even if I’ll have the stamina to take them. Although technically, had I not had a dozen Maker’s I probably wouldn’t have fallen asleep on the couch.  By the way, when a college buddy comes to town, it doesn’t mean you have to drink like you were back in college, just a tip.  But why rob them of the same memories right?  I think.  I’m not sure I would have fared well in the: everything is on Youtube generation, but I mostly turned out okay.  This really is quite the dilemma. 

The best part is I guess I hope my kids make the kinds of friends that I have.  Dan said it best and I quote, “That's the one thing about having true friends... no matter the time or distance in between visits, you're always able to pick right up where you left off.  And I don't mean the drinking part of the equation. :)  Instead, I mean the laughter, happiness, comfort and all the other ‘stuff.’”  So I guess my goal is to raise kids who won’t get arrested (or at least convicted), will make good decisions, have fun, learn, grow, and make deep, long-lasting friendships. The kind of friendships that weather all distance and time.  Until then, enjoy the mud kiddos.

Is it still called sacrifice if you love it?

My dad died 16 years ago this March 11, and I wrote a little letter/tribute to him and posted a few pictures.  In my letter I spoke about the thousands of hours he spent taking me here and there and watching me play just about every sport from baseball to wrestling.  I wrote about the sacrifice it must have been and was.  But now I’m not so sure.

A colleague asked me about my weekend and I told him it was far too wet for golf so I spent the entire weekend with the family.  We also took the opportunity to go to the park behind my mom’s house where the water had accumulated into small ponds, just perfect for jumping in.  Remember Connor is a mudder and Josie is his shadow.  So I was explaining to my colleague how much fun it was just watching Connor and Josie get absolutely filthy and wet.  I also said, “In this world of 30 second news cycles, instant messaging, and short attention span marketing it sure is nice to see basic joys being displayed.  Simple pleasures like jumping in a rain puddle.  And it sure is neat to relive some of those joys through the eyes of your children.”

Ton of bricks alert!  Yep, as I was giving him the explanation about how much fun it was playing with Connor and Josephine for two straight days in the rain and mud, it hit me.  How much fun was my father having watching me play?  Of course there is an element of sacrifice and I don’t want to take it away just because he might have been having fun too, but think about it.  As you can see in the pictures, Connor is having the time of his life, and there is no TV, no cartoons, no props, nothing.  Okay, he is pulling a wagon, but for the most part it is just a kid in the rain.    And when Josie tried to wade in as deep as Connor, of course she fell, got wet, cold and cried a little.  But then she laughed it off and was back in the stomping business.  It’s made me think more about how structured his play is at times. 

We let him dictate what he’s going to play with quite a bit, but I’m certainly guilty of steering him in certain directions that may have been more convenient for me.  I think I’m going to try to be less invasive and more observant for a while.  Of course, he still can’t do anything that is going to potentially kill Josie.  For example, I had to throw away a hose he was using as a whip after watching puss in boots.  Yes he decided that he was puss and Josie was a horse.  No children were injured in the writing of this blog, but disaster was definitely within a few inches.  So it’s not “anything goes” but we’ll see how this plays out.  He’s a smart boy and Josie is hitting a fun growth spurt.

In fact, Josie knows about 40 words right now that she can independently say without prompting.  By that I mean she can repeat and mimic a lot more words, but those 40 she initiates.  So for those veteran parents out there, remember when your toddler was starting to use words to direct their environment?  For example, Sunday afternoon we were out in the back yard.  Josie was in her swing.  She said, “Connor, blue” and pointed at the blue swing.  I asked if she wanted to get in the blue swing (we have yellow and blue).  She said, “No, push (while tapping the front of her yellow swing).  “Connor blue!”  I asked if she wanted Connor in the blue swing (meanwhile he has a shovel and is building an even muddier pit than three days of rain could create).  She said, “Yes, Connor blue.”

Connor didn’t want to stop playing his mud game, but it was cute to see Josie directing traffic using the words she has.  So while Nita was making dinner last night I was out on the playground with the kids again.  They were working off the sugar rush from the train cake Nita made for snack and I was just watching my little kids be kids.  So I ask was it a sacrifice when I was having so much fun playing with them?  I’m not so sure.  Now before all you folks with tweens pile on with “wait til you have to drive all over blah blah for blah blah practice,” I know.  There are definite sacrifices at all stages.  But y’all don’t forget to have fun too during those moments, those magical moments that never come back.  It’s allowed.

Two of a kind

I’m glad I started the website when Connor was born.  As I went to review where Connor was at 16 months to see where Josephine was developmentally (because all good parents compare right?), I noticed a few things.  First a lot of these observations were made due to a new purchase.  My wife and I have been using a little Sony point and click and we always have it nearby.  We’ve captured Connor’s first movements, sounds, rolling over, Josie’s first steps, stand, etc.  But now that they are both mobile, and very mobile at that, a lot of the pictures are blurry. 

So I just got Nita a pretty nice DSLR with 18 Megapixel and an “image stabilization” lens.  I watched a few videos on line about how to best use it, and read through the instruction manual and started playing with it.  The pictures (which you’ll see shortly) are phenomenal. Not my artistic picture taking, but the clarity, focus, etc.  I can’t wait to really play with this.  The videos are also great and now that Josie is talking, we’re really excited about continuing our photo record of the kids.

As I was playing with the camera I noticed something that I didn’t really realize before.  My kids have different interests. Connor has the attention span of a gnat in heat.  He likes to read books, play with trains, blocks, legos, gears, puzzles, sing songs, and watch shows.  The problem is, and it isn’t a problem per se, that he moves from one thing to another so quickly that picking up his station never even enters his mind.  So he leaves a little trail of destruction.  It’s kind of ironic, because the builder while Josie is more of the destroyer.  Josie loves to come to Connor’s current station and start pulling apart the legos, train tracks, etc.  When she does this Connor usually calls her “Godzilla.”

But here is the funny thing, she will pick up the toys and put it in the correct box without being asked.  She’s also just as likely to dump out the box, so she’s not exactly an OCD cleaning prodigy. But the other funny difference is how they read. Like Connor she loves books.  But she wants to read the same book over and over and over.  Connor will bring you three books at a time and might cut you off mid book to start a new one.  And when we go outside to play, Connor is all over the place.  He’s on his back hoe, building tunnels for bugs (which is awesome because I used to do that and he came up with this on his own), playing on the playscape, digging, etc.  Josie wants to get on the swing.  That’s it.  She’ll run around after Connor, likes the slide and being in the fort when Connor is in it, but if you put her in the swing, she’ll make you push her for about 20 minutes.  Connor will have done 15 different things in those 20 minutes and asked you to tell him at least 10 different stories. Meanwhile Josie is pointing to the front of the swing and saying “push” while doing the sign language sign for “more.”

Josie is also getting vocal and noticing our routines.  She’s making relationships like in order to go outside, you must wear shoes (Connor by the way would go out shoeless and nekkid if you let him, and technically he’s done it…on more than one occasion).  She can say outside, socks and shoes. So when she’s ready to go outside, you’ll know it pretty quickly, she’ll bring you a shoe and say, “outside.”  You ask her to go get some socks and she runs off to the sock basket.  For meal times (and Nita thinks I’m going to give her a complex) she can’t wait to get rolling.  She knows or at least understands that we pray before meals.  So she slaps her hands together says “God is gate amen” and there better be something on her tray PDQ.  Speaking of food, Connor loves to help in the kitchen.  Green eggs and ham last week, and he helped make pancakes this weekend.  Josie likes to be held to watch, she doesn’t need to participate quite yet.

She’s a bit ahead of Connor on the vocal part and is really excited about communicating.  She is just absorbing everything.  The other day while watching Baby Noah (from the Einstein series) Connor, boy genius that he is, doesn’t just say “tiger” he says “Bengal tiger.”  Not because that’s what they call it on the show, but because he saw it in a book we read him. Needless to say, Connor’s animal vocabulary is quite vast.  It’s actually very impressive.  Well on the baby Noah show, they roll out five or six animals per region and then do a summary.  Connor calls them out before they even show the whole animal, but this time, Josie was calling out animals too.  Hippo, Lion, jaff (giraffe), whale, etc.  It’s really fun watching her learn and grow.

So the thing that is making me wonder is whether they will try to be more alike, or completely different.  I kind of hoped they’d be into some of the same things and they could do stuff together.  I know they’ll need independence and whatnot and don’t want two clones of different genders, but I’m just curious how it’ll all shake out.

Oh, and as a humorous aside, one of my old college roommates is coming to town for south by southwest.  He’s a big shot at an advertising agency and wants me to meet him for a showcase one of his clients is sponsoring.  So I asked him about the bands and when I went to youtube to watch a couple of videos, holy crap.  When did I get old?  I know my 20 year reunion should have been a hint, but seriously?  Just the fashion and hairstyles in the videos makes me feel like I don’t belong at the venue.  Of course I’m going because it’ll be open bar for me and my buddy. J  I’m not stupid, just old I guess.  The funniest part is I’m not sure I would have gone to see these bands 20 years ago…in my 501 jeans with the bottom in a tight cuff of course, genera shirt, and 501 jean jacket.  Cool huh?

A little piece and understanding.

A couple of things we’ve been working on came to a head this week.  My mother has been giving Connor candy.  A lot!  I’ve been trying to beg her not to give it to him later in the day, so he doesn’t stay up too late, but she’s got the impression that it is a grandmother’s right to do those types of things.  And honestly, as much as she helps us out, if that is the worst thing she does, well God bless her.  So we will just gently fight that battle.

Connor has an insatiable curiosity, I suppose like any other 3 year old, but it just seems obscene how curious he is.  He is also mechanically inclined and wants to hold everything and see how it works.  I love this inquisitive nature, and the fact that his manual dexterity is really strong, but the downside is he reaches for things he shouldn’t be holding.  Now I know it is our responsibility to child proof the house and make sure he can’t get into too much danger…but I can’t child proof the world.  When you go to a store or someone else’s home, you can’t expect them to have every potentially dangerous item above four feet.  And yes, Connor is 40 inches tall with a nice little wing span.

In any case, you can usually hear more than once a day, “Don’t reach up, do you need your hand slapped?”  To which he replies (after quickly pulling his hand back), “I wasn’t reaching. Can I please have (insert whatever he was reaching for)?  Please don’t slap my hand.” For those of you with CPS on speed dial don’t worry. We rarely slap his hand. It’s more of a reminder to illustrate that we’re serious.  Anyway, we also want to make sure that he doesn’t pull down anything that is a danger to him or worse accidentally pull something on top of his little human shadow Josie.

Oh by the way, Josie is a little chatter box now. I’ll post a video to the multiply site if you are interested soon, but she is really turning it up.  I made a list (like all ADHD way too proud daddies do) of all the words Connor could say, words he could understand and commands he could understand at age 19 months.  Well little Miss Josephine is quite ahead of that schedule at 15 months.  At dinner a couple of days ago, she said, “Connor” and then babbled something else.  I asked, “Where is Connor.”  She looked at me like I had three heads, pointed at Connor and said, “Right there dada.”  Good stuff.  And she can catch. 

Back to the story.  So Nita took Connor to his first dental cleaning on Tuesday.  He impressed the office with his knowledge of the x-ray machine and the hygienist let him play with the water and suction tools.  He had a pretty good visit.  Our awesome dentist (more on this later) came in looked at some things and suggested that we give him cookies or chocolates instead of dum dums.  So no more suckers which Connor LOVES now (thanks mom).  Anyway, it was a good checkup and as they were checking out CRASH!!!  Yep, Connor just had to see what was happening on the top of the fish tank.  It used to have a glass top.  Luckily no one was hurt or cut.  Connor and Nita were both quite embarrassed.  We asked them to send us the bill of course and our AWESOME dentist said, “You know you’ve been great customers for a long time. Don’t worry about it.”

Obviously, we’re going to still either pitch in or send the office lunch or flowers.  But talk about a "don’t reach up" moment.  Jeesh.  In any case, everyone is okay and if any of you in the Austin area are looking for a great dentist, good man, and so-so golfer, Darren Evans is your man.  Thanks Doc.  And now you all know I didn’t misspell Peace in the title. J  The pictures are from Connor and Josie’s Green Eggs and Ham breakfast with our new nanny Jewell.