How to defend the fast break

It was inevitable I suppose.  Connor has been running around the house like a lunatic for a while now and little Josie was content crawling up to something and cruising.  She also likes to be held and loves attention.  She also loves whatever Connor has in his hands at the time.  Actually a pretty funny example of sibling jealousy happened the other day.  We have this little puzzle box that has two 9-piece puzzles in it.  Connor was putting one of them together and Josephine crawled over to see and start grabbing pieces.  Nita was downstairs putting her contacts in or doing laundry, or something.  I was by myself.  Anyway, Connor was saying, “No Josie, No!”  So I gave Josephine the other puzzle, which became immediately more interesting to Connor.  He abandoned his puzzle and reached for hers.  So I allowed the switch.  And Connor was happy he had Josie’s puzzle and Josie was happy she had his puzzle…for about three seconds.  Then they looked at each other, looked at the puzzles, and wanted to switch again.  This went on four times.  I just laughed as I kept switching the puzzles, it could have gone on for half an hour.  I know it was kind of cruel, like the puppy or cat with the laser pointer type cruel, but funny and no one was injured in the filming of this episode.

Josie loves being around Connor and Connor recognizes he has mobility as his main asset.  So Josie starts coming and he takes off running.  She giggles and tries to follow.  The problem is, now I have to pick my favorite, because Josie can now climb up the stairs…all of them.  And Connor usually makes a break for the refrigerator, the scissor drawer, or to the bathroom where he is trying to set a record for soft soap pumping before being caught.  The upside is his hands (and our floor) are really clean and smell wonderful.  I had to change the French door handles to round knobs with safety knobs or outside would be the escape route of choice.  This is usually pretty manageable because we have a baby corral (which Josie will sometimes use) and Connor will usually obey as long as his little attention span will allow. 

Recently, while mommy was out doing something and I had both, I had the double diaper whammy.  Two curve balls in a row! For those of you who are lost, when calling for a curve ball you drop two fingers. You know a deuce, number two, a bear who likes honey.  Okay, we’re all caught up.  So I go to change Josie first, no problem.  Connor can play trains in the living room.  But this time he doesn’t.  He sprints out of the room just as I open Josephine’s ode to blueberries.  I’m calling for him and Josie who’s trying to say words is babbling attempting to mimic me.  So I get her cleaned up, re-dressed, and I go wash my hands.  I should have waited.  Connor has pumped half a bottle of soap on himself and the bathroom floor mat.  He smells of great tea and aloe…and poop.

We get Connor to the changing table (which used to be my study, but I won’t get into how much real estate I’ve lost in the house) and I put Josie in the middle of the floor.  I’m thinking she’ll be fascinated watching brother like always.  Nope.  She breaks for the entry way.  I figure, she’s going to the formerly formal living room which is now a play room.  (By the way, anyone want to buy an Edgar Kelly rug with blue Crayola marker on it?) Then I hear the familiar fump fump fump of her hands and knees working the stairs.  Shit, literally.  I just started the cleaning process.  So I beg Connor, “Connor please do NOT move, daddy will be back in 10 seconds.  Can you please count to ten?”  He says, “Yes daddy” and starts counting.  My boy.  I go around the corner and there is Josie on the fifth step. 

For all of you at home thinking, “Why don’t you just put a baby gate at the bottom of the stairs?”  Well, we bought our home from crazy people who did a custom build.  The spiral staircase is uniquely angled, unsafe, and wide.  I’ve tried every off the shelf baby gate and it won’t fit.  I’m in the process of planning to build my own out of a wrought iron gate section with spring hinges, but who has the time? Luckily we put hardwood on both the stairs and the entry way, so there’s no padding either.  Anyway, Josie is five steps up and I grab her with my wrists and forearms and put her back in the study.  Connor has just gotten to nine.  So I go to finish the job and Josie sets off again.  Now I’m pretty fast on the diaper changes, I mean NASCAR pit crew fast, I mean Guido from Cars fast.  But this was a, without going into overly graphic details a multi-wipe-lots-of-surface-area change.  He must have had peanut butter and mango for lunch.  In any case, Josie is off again. 

I finish off Connor, pick up Josie with my forearms again and bring her to the bathroom.  I wash my hands and.… where’s Connor.  He’s in the freezer looking for ice cream.  That boy!  So I get them both upstairs and we play trains for a little bit.  By play trains I mean Connor plays trains and builds complex bridges, tunnels and stations. Josephine does her best Godzilla and destroys the tracks and bridges he’s built.  Then mercifully Nita comes home and I can go to man cave and take a break and watch some football.  Seriously, how do you moms do it all day every day?  And some of you with three and four kids?  Apathy must enter the game somewhere and I don’t mean that as a criticism, I mean it as a reality for maintaining sanity.  I was talking to a buddy the other day and I think our athletic backgrounds actually hurt us.  It’s harder for us to relax and enjoy the kids playing. We’re always looking for the danger, anticipating the kids’ next move, the next object of potential disaster and trying to head off that danger. It’s exhausting!  I just don’t want them to end up on a Darwin award list.  So Nita and I are done.  No more kids.  Right now we can play man to man defense and occasionally defend the 2 on 1 break.  But I can’t see us playing a three on two zone or worse the three on one fast break, talk about picking the favorite.  Besides, we can’t afford the soap.