Angels all around

Angels all around

Sorry if I freaked everyone out last week.  Truth be told, I was a little freaked out myself.  Somewhat justifiably.  This week’s column isn’t really designed to alleviate those fears, by the way, it kind of is as bad as I purported but... 

A couple of weeks ago my cousin came to visit us.  She’s a federal agent married to a federal agent and she’s pretty tough.  She also likes to distance run.  One thing she spoke about was keeping her face stoic while she ran.  Almost as if by showing pain on your face, your body will notice and start to break down instead of helping you push through and keep going.  I’m sure many of you were so used to seeing the stoic game face in my writing, and when I got the flu symptoms and my guard was down it was a little disturbing.  Welcome to the battle I’ve been fighting inside for a while in an attempt to keep everyone positive, happy, and frankly to keep the smiles on the kid’s faces.

A couple of nights ago I was putting Josie to bed and we were talking about angels.  I promised her that I would always be watching over her.  She then asked, “Even when you are not on the Earth daddy?”  “Especially then princess, especially then.”  She has always been the one who is more in tune with what is going on.  Like we’ve mentioned before, she has an old soul.

There was no chemo this week. The oncologist didn’t think it made sense due to the fact that the regimen is no longer working and since I’m going to MD Anderson for a new protocol recommendation and scans this week. It was more logical to get that new cocktail started beginning next week.  We discussed what my options were and I mentioned the other two protocols that have become available and my doctor reminded me that those are not “gold standard” protocols.  Which means they might have to be administered in Houston.  I think my Austin options are down to one, so far (I found out later that the other two options are available locally).

We ran into former Houston Oiler Dan Pastorini at Patrenellas Thursday night

My buddies Pete and Omar made the trip to Houston with me.  Originally I asked if Pete could come because I thought I’d be doing chemo this week and might need some help with the drive.  Pete read last week’s blog and we spoke about a few things and well he took the news pretty hard (and I don’t think I’m betraying any confidences here).  Omar then stepped up and volunteered to come along as well.   This is actually perfect when you consider that in essence we are starting over again (foreshadow alert).  And who was there in the hospital room with me during my initial diagnosis and pre-operation?  Omar and Pete of course. 

Connor got the game ball Monday night

My CEA score came back from this week’s blood test and it was 9.5.  I was hoping it would still be single digits and we just squeaked in under the line didn’t we (no rounding). This is a fairly nerve wracking trend especially considering that I was in the 1.5 range around Christmas time.  Maybe that was the Christmas present to my family and me.  I’m starting to look at things like gifts again.  For example, instead of having a pump and chemo on Monday, I was able to go pitch my son’s coach pitch game.  Connor is SOOOO close to getting a hit.  He had one foul out, and hit another ball down the third base line just foul.  He is not backing out at all and is really focused on getting that hit.  We have one more game on Saturday.  But what a gift that I was able to go to and participate in the penultimate game of the season.  From Monday to Thursday my CEA score leapt from 9.5 to 15.2.  More on that later.

The family has plans for a one night camping trip at a friend’s ranch next weekend.  It’s a friend that has been part of my life for almost 40 years.  The kids will love exploring the land and won’t mind the bugs as much as I will.  I’ll be just coming out of that first new drug cocktail and should be back in business.  Instead of our trip to Port A, we’re doing South Padre this year.  I have a lot of family in south Texas and I hope to visit with some of them while we’re down there.  We’re also staying in a condo next to another old baseball buddy from 20 years ago who, of course, was there in the hospital room with me before the surgery. I’m no longer putting things off.

We have felt like there was a presence in our house since we moved in.  There were times when our old dog would bark at the stairs when no one was there or in any of the upstairs rooms.  We have a light in the house that comes on by itself at times, there is no way anyone or any animal can “accidentally turn it on.”  I won’t draw the schematics of the switch location, but trust me, it can’t be done.

A little over six years ago when Connor was still learning to walk, he was coming down the stairs.  I was sitting in our formal living room watching him nervously as Nita was walking behind him.  We have a spiral staircase with hardwood steps.  Connor tripped and lunged forward.  While he was in motion, so was I.  I sprinted to the stairs hoping to minimize the damage.  As I got there Connor had just put his hands out and caught one of the steps.  His feet were two steps above him and his chin was about an inch from the corner of the step.  At 14 months I don’t know how he had the strength, dexterity, agility, or wherewithal to make this save.  I scooped him into my arms and took him to a chair to rock him. 

I nervously asked him if he was okay and he said, “She saved me daddy.”  I asked who had saved him.  He said, “The angel daddy.” [Crooked dog head look] “What?” I asked.  “The Angel, daddy, she saved me.” It isn’t like we talk about those things often, especially at his age.  How he could have off the cuff just said it was an angel is as likely as that light that sometimes turns on.  But he did.  Nita and I looked at each other in amazement and I gave him a tight tear filled hug.

So after my tumor marker scores you might be asking, “What are YOU concerned about or most afraid of?” Well, let me tell you.  Better yet, let me ask you what memories do you have from first grade?  Or from when you were five?  I know I’m doing the groundwork that needs to be done and helping them grow and build the foundation, but will I be relevant when they grow up?  I have great memories of my father with baseball and other things, but I lost him when I was 25.  I am now old enough to process the sacrifices he made and try to impart his wisdom on my own children.  If this is the endgame, will the kids look at their team picture from tee ball and toss it back in the box with no memory at all?  That I suppose is my fear.  Not a desire to be immortalized, just not forgotten.  I wonder if all the efforts I’m making with coaching are more for me than for them. 

I honestly don’t know the answer right now.  I suppose there is no wrong answer.  If I do get another decade, then of course this establishes the foundation of our relationship.  If I don’t, the time clearly isn’t wasted, I’m with the most important people in my world.  This escalating CEA score has my mind working overtime right now.  In fact I think the first question I’m going to ask at MDA Friday morning is, “Doc, on a scale of one to holy fu&^% sh%$, where are we?  Do I need to start doing those things I’ve been putting off?”

Took the kids to the driving range last weekend, they are begging to go back

Wednesday night I had a semi-lucid dreamish thing as I was falling asleep.  It was like I was talking to God (or maybe an angel) and he was telling me to hold my resolve and to keep my faith.  I remembered that I have felt all along that this was a test and perhaps I am not doing well on this portion of it.  So I need to refocus, stay strong, and be confident.  “Don’t give the devil an inch” I was once told.  I guess I am allowed a couple of weeks of doubt and despair, but those are over.  I need to hold fast and put on my game face for the family.  It’s time to step up my game.  I’m not the sort that slinks away from a challenge, so why start now?  It’s go time.

So here we are, about to embark on a new adventure.  I don’t know where it will take us or how long the journey will be.  What I do know is that there are angels watching over me.  They are touching various parts of my life and guiding me.  Some are in human form like my buddies who are always there for me.  Some are strangers who show up at just the right time.  Some are casual acquaintances who send me notes of encouragement.  Some let me use their condo so we don’t have exorbitant hotel bills. Some are real, and they show glimpses of themselves in the funniest ways and inspire me.  Sometimes they change my chemo schedule so I can participate in one of my children’s baseball games. And I know when I look into my children’s faces and eyes I know I see the work of God. 

The results: The results were mixed but generally positive.  The tumor marker scores are due to a doubling in size of a couple of larger tumors in my lungs.  The good news is there was no net new tumors in any other organs and my liver tumors actually improved (shrank).  So the ones that were there got bigger, but no new ones. The recommendation is to return to the original protocol. The reason is that they know it works.  It was the cocktail I was on when everything started shrinking the first time, so why not go to what we know?  It makes sense to me. Also, by going back to square one, it still leaves three more options on the table before clinical trials.

Feeling somewhat relieved I decided to ask the doctor the holy f&^%$ Sh#@ question.  He reminded me about the survival statistics and that once cancer has metastasized into other organs there is really no “getting rid of it, you can only hope to contain it for as long as you can.”  Well I decided to push my question and ask, “So with my scores I was somewhat worried that you might tell me that if there was anything I wanted to do or see, now would be the time to do it.”  He stated that although there is no immediate urgency, there is also no sense in waiting to do those things.  Basically, go do it while you are still healthy enough to do them.  Time may or may not be on my side.

That really is the lesson isn’t it?  Everyone is dying, who realizes it soon enough to start living? Who has been putting off those experiences waiting for retirement?  Who is waiting until the “time is right” to do that…fill in the blank?  And worse, who is still holding a grudge or withholding forgiveness until some artificial time deadline has passed? Take it from me, I’m lucky.  I know I’m dying.  I am not holding anything back. That is my gift.

So here we are.  As I spoke to Nita and we did the MDA debrief (she was on speaker during the appointment), I said that I felt like we were correct on the inevitability of my condition, but were a little quick on the timing.  So all in all this is great news.  I feel pretty good (all things considered) and I can still participate in everything I want to do right now.  That is a blessing.  It looks like that dream discussion with God turned out to be right on.  Keep the faith, stay true, be confident, and do my best.  I know what I’m up against, I know how my body will react and I know I can take it for now.  Heaven can wait (apologies to Warren Beatty). TeamMarco@austin.rr.com.