The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

What a huge week this was to be.  Here was the plan: My daughter’s birthday on Tuesday with her pre-school honoring her in both Tuesday and Wednesday chapel service.  Then for dinner we head off to Kobe which is our Teppanyaki style restaurant near the house (think Bennihana). Thursday, the wife and I were going to do a date night, check out a movie at the Moviehouse and Eatery.  Saturday, I would be heading to Kyle field with three buddies to take in a couple of tailgates and the game.  Sunday my children’s joint petting zoo birthday party and pony ride (with a cameo from Queen Elsa).  Connor is turning 7 and Josie is turning 5.  We even went to East Austin on November 8^th to pick out piñatas for the party (and not a minute too soon – get that Halloween candy away from everyone!).  But when I went in for my fluids and bloodwork on Monday…my white blood cell count was down. 

What does that mean?  Well it means a few things.  First, I’m now more susceptible to disease, viruses, etc. It also means that the chemo is effectively challenging my bone marrow, which is trying to keep up.  To further explain, white blood cells are your body’s immune defense system. They protect you against illness and disease.  The fix for this is an injection of Filgrastim.  It effectively tells your bones to generate more white blood cells and you’re supposed to be out of circulation for only 48ish hours (as long as you don’t get sick in the interim).  So it means that I’m on lockdown for at least the next two days.  If I am exposed to someone with the flu or a virus I could end up in the ICU instead of Kyle field on Saturday.  It also causes flu-like symptoms and bone pain (like growing pains) in the large bones (femur, sternum, skull, and pelvis) so there’s that.  Because of the elevated risk of infection I am not supposed to shave with a razor or pick up dog poop much less crowds of children or 105,000 football fans. But it’s only for a couple of days.

So my dilemma is: do I attend my daughter’s chapel service where the whole school will sing happy birthday to her?  Hell yes I do.  But I’ll have to sit in the back away from the human petri dish that is the 18 month-2 year old class.  Also my wife and kids have to slather on sanitizer and wash their hands before any daddy hugs are dished out.   It also means we have to send out a note to the party invitees and offer the proviso that if your child is sick, please do not attend the party.  I’m pretty sure by now everyone on the invitation knows my situation and will completely understand…if they don’t, well guess who isn’t coming next year.  Calling all my 40+ year-olds.  Remember when John Travolta played the Boy in the Plastic Bubble?  Well, it’s not quite that bad, but I can’t afford to take too many chances until the Filgrastim does its job. The crappy thing was this was supposed to be my “off” week where I could do all this cool stuff with my buddies and kids. The upside is I’ve already met two people at chemo camp that have similar cancer with similar treatments that did not lose their hair. Sometimes we embrace the little victories.  Although my beard seems to have stopped growing out.  I still have to shave, but it is lighter.  I used to have to trim my goatee twice a week, I haven’t trimmed it in two weeks. Oh well, one less thing.

Tuesday worked out pretty well.  I stayed home on house arrest and actually got quite a bit of work done.  I was able to attend my daughter’s birthday chapel and she couldn’t resist running to the back of the church to give me a big hug.  That evening we took the grandmothers and kids out to the Teppanyaki steakhouse and everyone had a great time watching all the fire and blade work of the chef.  I sanitized everything and kept a small bottle of purell with me at all times.  My hip bones ache quite a bit and my right femur a little. Nothing a couple of hydrocodones can’t knock out. 

The nausea is mostly in check this week and I’ve been very proactive with the Imodium.  All the anti-nausea meds have constipating effects.  I cannot imagine going through this with no Imodium or anti-nausea meds.  I would be a stick person on an IV fluid drip.  The appetite is moderate.  I’m not actually hungry, but my stomach knows when it’s time to eat.  Food tastes a little differently now, but still close to the original form or maybe that’s my mind taking over. The salt and sweet are distinctly off.  For example the fried rice at Kobe was bland no matter how much soy sauce I added, same with the Chateau Briand.  It looked right but tasted like hambuger, finally my mom’s chicken caldo tasted bland no matter how much salt I added (I got the hint and stopped).  Meals now are kind of like sleepwalking. You know you are done when you don’t feel like eating anymore and you are more interested in whether or not you need the nausea meds, Imodium, or both after each one (although I’m finding being proactive is better than waiting).  The upside is the meals don’t really matter that much anymore.  Whatever is served is fine, and I won’t be hungry afterwards so mission accomplished. And I’m holding everything down so far, I’m sure there are many who have far worse circumstances. In any case, I’m doing okay, weight is holding steady, don’t need any pity.  I’m managing and am able to maintain the game face at dinner with the kiddos.

Quick brag on my Aggie community.  You all know we are a pretty tight knit community anyway.  Well one of the guys owns a print shop.  In 2011 they did a cookbook of all their best recipes and back stories.  The books were reasonably priced and were distributed in time for Christmas.  All profits were sent to a charity.  This year, they are redoing the book with “best of” recipes from the first one and new recipes on the current cookbook.  They are generously donating the profits to offset my mounting medical bills.  I was touched by the gesture.  Hopefully and without sounding like a hack, if you are interested you can order a cookbook by going to this website: Aggie Yell Cookbook link.  All orders must be placed prior to Thanksgiving and will be delivered before Christmas.

So there has been a lot of talk about how “tough” I am.  Well, I suppose I’m tough enough, but I never had to hump an 80 pound ruck up a mountain on limited rations.  And no one (as of yet) has applied electricity to my testicles (where are my SEALs?). And to be honest I cry a lot.  I cannot make it through Love, me by Collin Raye without tears down both cheeks.  I think a lot about beating this and what my next steps are, but I also think about the math.  Facebook is a funny thing, what you had for lunch notwithstanding.  I see celebrations with grandchildren, 80^th and 90^th birthday parties, and I reasonably accept that those will never happen for me. About a year ago my wife and Josie were playing with her wedding dress.  We took some cute pictures of her in it.  About a month ago I had an idea that maybe we should put Josie in the dress and shoot a video of me walking her down a church aisle that they could play at her actual wedding.  Chances are I will not be in attendance.   These are the things that make me cry alone.  But when the family comes home, game face baby. I don’t need a pity party, I can handle the physical part well enough so far and I have the mental fortitude to deal with it.  Most importantly is my family needs life to be as normal as we can make it.  My gift to them.

Thursday I went for fluids and to check my white cell count.  The results were…GREAT!  My white blood cell count doubled and I’m firmly in the normal range.  It was awesome, my nurse (who gets my jokes and sense of humor now) just walked over, handed me my labs and said, “Have fun at the game!”  Although I’m excited about the game I’m even more excited about being able to participate in the kids’ birthday party.  How blessed am I?

One final note of housekeeping.  I get a lot of folks who apologize for bringing up their problems to me followed by “grand scheme of things” type apologies.  No one is keeping score.  Everyone’s issues are important, real and significant.  All issues matter to those who are affected.  There is no need to apologize just because they may not be well, life and death…and certainly not to me.  I get it, and I’m happy to help with whatever I can.  It isn’t a bother, I’m the same problem solving guy I was three months ago, keep ‘em coming.  I’ll let everyone know next week how the game and birthday party went.  God bless you, He certainly has blessed me.  TeamMarco@austin.rr.com.