Tortoise and the Hare
Sunday was Valentine ’s Day.
We took the kids to church, to eat, then to a video arcade to have some
fun. Funny thing about church was the
psalm song was about the refiner’s touch (My second, or fifth depending on your
perspective, blog). Perhaps another
reminder of what is really going on. After
the service the kids went through the Stations of the Cross (their idea). It
was nice hearing Connor read the placards and then act out the scene. It serves as a reminder that no matter what,
I’m going to be okay in the end. Later
that night we had the grandmothers over for dinner and it was a nice fun family
day. We’re getting closer to my vision
of Connor taking Nita out on a date and me taking Josie on a Valentine’s date. Maybe next year.
Remember the story of the tortoise and the hare? I took Connor to baseball tryouts this
weekend and two things happened. He
sucked and he was all smiles. We
practice intermittently at home and it’s somewhat by design. I know that baseball is a game of repetition.
However, I have always said that I’d rather Connor love baseball and watch it
with me on the couch than be awesome at it and hate the game. So we practice enough to keep it fun and
develop some skills. So far, my plan has
worked. He loves the game and now even
Josie is getting into it. I have a
feeling Connor is going to surprise people and become the most improved player
this year. Or he will still suck, one or
the other. Either way, we’re all having
a blast…and I’ll be WAY less intense as a coach as I was last year.
Wednesday night I was channel surfing after the kids went to
bed and I stumbled upon a Breaking Bad
marathon. It was the episode with the
fly in the clean room under the laundry factory. In it Walt is explaining when he thought he should
have died. That perfect moment before
things went wrong. I won’t spoil it for
those who haven’t seen the series except to say it is a very easy series to
binge watch. But it really made me
reflect on my own situation. Walter was
a cancer guy and he approached things in a somewhat similar way. Now I have no intention of starting a meth
empire, so that aside, I do think about my family. Walt’s method was to generate revenue to set
his family up. My method is to generate
experiences instead.
So I reflected on my Tuesday. What an awesome afternoon. After work, I told the kids we were going to
practice baseball a bit. So the kids strapped
on their new backpack bat/bags to the side yard. We put on gloves and helmets and Josie
shagged balls while Connor hit some soft toss and off the tee. Connor then shagged balls while Josie hit off
the tee. He’d field the ball and then
throw it to me on the fly…unlike his tryout where he threw everything into the
dirt. But the best part was here we were, outside,
laughing, sliding, falling down, and having a blast. Like Walt I was thinking if there was a day I
could choose to “go.” That was the
day. It was exactly how I hoped
parenting would be. All fun and
baseball, outside in the sun, laughing, hugging, and high fiving. What an amazing afternoon. I’m sure I’ll have more days like this, but
it was pretty sweet.
Thursday morning I had breakfast with an old friend and
former business colleague. We talked a
lot about business, the blog, life, cancer, etc. He mentioned that when he reads about my
interaction with the children it is as though I’ve been given a gift. I concurred. I have stated on more than one occasion
than I truly consider my cancer as both a God smack and a gift. There were some things in my life that needed
to change and more interaction with my family was one of them. Tuesday’s baseball
practice in the yard was a perfect example.
Seven months ago I might have still taken them outside to practice, but
we’d be more focused on skills and drills.
I’d probably fall into coach mode and angle toward the most efficient
path to improvement. But Tuesday was fun.
And that was the goal. Get them acclimated
to putting on the glove, wearing cleats, making baseball movements…but mostly
having fun. And it was. The kids were smiling and laughing the entire
time. They had so much fun they
accidentally got better. We even had to
fetch momma to come watch “how good they had become" (according to Josie).
Nita and I had a nice discussion about this. She very sweetly said she didn’t want to lose
me and was very happy and hopeful based on the new test results. I told her not to confuse my pragmatism with
a lack of optimism. I have a theory and that in order to beat this or anything,
you need to stay mentally strong. I
think that if my cancer goes into remission I need to always maintain the
mindset that it WILL come back. Whether
or not it happens is irrelevant. My
theory is that if I let my guard down, accept that it is gone forever then I
will not be fully battle ready for another round of surgery, poison, radiation,
or whatever needs to happen. I cannot
let my guard down. This also goes along
with my God smack theory. If I don’t
stay aware and allow my bad habits to creep back into my life, then I prove
that I didn’t learn the lesson I was supposed to learn. And if that happens perhaps I’m opening the
door to another “nudge” from above.
So here I am, enjoying my life, enjoying my family and
enduring my chemotherapy. It sounds
funny to think that I’m looking at a terminal disease through the lens of all
the joy it has brought. But I’m not in
the race for the sprint. I’m in for
however long the race will be. And I’m
not sad, I’m delighted to be given this gift of understanding. Throughout our lives we’ve all seen our peers
race out to a big lead in whatever: sports, work, life, etc... only to come
back to the pack. It is why they call
the pace man in a mile race the rabbit.
He jumps out to a lead, sets the pace, and then falls off. Sometimes he
doesn’t even finish. The goal in any endeavor
is to get to the finish line (and win if you can of course). The tortoise never gave up, didn’t get down,
and certainly did not lack hope or confidence.
As you may have noticed, I’m somewhat of movie buff and I
find a lot of lessons in them. In the
movie Gattica the protagonist, Ethan Hawke, is a “God birth” during a time of
genetic modifications designed to remove impurities. He’s supposed to be invalid as a being in
this new utopian society. However he routinely
beats his brother in a swimming competition.
His brother who was genetically altered to remove imperfections is both
frustrated and confused by this. Ethan’s
character finally reveals to him, “You know why I won? I didn’t save anything for the swim back.” His “perfect” brother was aware of his
mortality, Ethan’s character knew he was supposed to die so instead he chose to
live. So there it is. The tortoise wins. Connor will catch up to those who jumped out
to a big lead and just watch, he will surprise a lot of people. Of this I have
no doubt. And me? I feel like I sprinted out quickly and then
got complacent and lost sight of the finish line. Now, I’m more aware, smelling the
roses, and loving my family. Can the
hare become a tortoise? Why not.
Next week is chemo week.
It will undoubtedly suck. I’ll
plow through it, slow and easy and pop up on the other side. Oh, and I developed plantar fasciitis presumably
while teaching Connor to run with longer strides. Lucky for me another buddy is a podiatrist. So
he’ll fix me up and I’ll manage. It’s
not too bad right now and I can still get out there and play ball with Connor
and Josie. Baseball and tee-ball seasons
are just starting and my kids are excited.
To be honest, so am I. We had a practice
for Connor’s team on Thursday after work.
How did I get so out of shape that my whole body aches? And my foot?
Holy smokes! I iced it, put my
brace on, kept shoes for support…and still this morning felt like I was walking on
nails. It was so bad that when I was
limping to the kitchen, Connor came over and grabbed my elbow and said, “I’ll help
you dad.” What a kid. So what do I have
to complain about? Nothing. Estoy en paz.
TeamMarco@austin.rr.com
No comments:
Post a Comment