A Shift in Momentum

A shift in momentum

There were some dramatic turns in my lab work this week.  More on those later, but the blog I originally intended to write was somewhat scrapped and replaced by the new information.  The other stuff can keep for another week or so, but there was in fact a big shift in progress.  I’ll try to get there quickly.

Friday afternoon my buddy and I went to watch our other friend play in the Texas Open.  It brought back a flood of memories of how many times I’ve walked a course with him, his family, and all the wonderful people I’ve been able to meet along the way during his 25 year professional golf career.  Saturday each kid had a baseball game.  I’m proud to announce that Connor stood in the box and swung the bat.  He didn’t get a hit, but he made contact and more importantly hung in there and didn’t bail out.  We immediately made good on the promise and went to Toys R us.  He was so proud of himself and I was happy that he was able to conquer a fear.  That’s really the secret isn’t it?  Finding ways to conquer our fears.

Thanks to the parents who sent me pictures when I couldn't be there

This was chemo week and I missed tee ball games Monday and Tuesday due to Josie not wanting me to scare other kids with the chemo pump and needle in my chest.  She also didn’t want me to accidentally get hurt which is pretty sweet.  I offered to wear a disguise and she was opposed.  She said, “Daddy, someone might recognize you and say, “Hey there’s Marco, let’s go give him a hug!  And then what would you do?”  My girl.  Plus, it still takes a toll on me and does weird things to my mouth and stomach.  Chemo is a pesky thing for sure.  I think those two weeks off let my body somewhat recover too much, because this was a weird week.  I really felt the effects well into Thursday evening. It may have also been because within a few hours of getting my pump removed I went and pitched a coach pitch game for Connor’s team  (He actually made a pretty salty play as well, that boy is coming around).

When I was 16 I really thought I wanted to be a doctor.  I still have an infatuation with the profession, but back then I was really focused.  My father suggested that I become an Emergency Medical Technician (EMT) to see if I really wanted to do it instead of spending 8-10 years after high school discovering it might not be my thing.  So off I set to become the state’s youngest EMT. After high school classes, baseball practice, homework, I took night classes to get certified.  10 weeks and 32 hours of Emergency room, Labor and Delivery, and Paramedic ride-along rotations later, I was qualified to take the state test.  But I had to wait until my 18^th birthday to actually take it.  I passed and joined two first responder units immediately. I couldn’t wait for my first call.  I know it sounds horrible, but there was something exhilarating about rushing to a call, being first on the scene, and trying to stabilize an injured person. 

I did not become a doctor (inside Aggie joke alert) mainly because my time at A&M lacked some focus.  It was more Kenny Hill than Johnny Manziel, but still left a lot to be desired. So I left to finish at Texas Lutheran.  I’m glad everything worked out the way it did and I’ve used my training over the last 30 years to help countless people in different situations, friends who needed help, kids at games and birthday parties, and of course my own family.  What I enjoy is the calm feeling that comes over me when a situation comes up and I’m able to triage an injury and help someone.  Recently I received a note about a friend who has a family member who was going into emergency surgery for colon cancer.  He indirectly reached out to me and of course I was glad to help.  It allowed me to stop focusing on my own issues and try to help someone else.  That is pretty therapeutic for me, and probably one of the reasons I put so much effort into this blog.

There have been several second and third hand accounts around how helpful this blog could be, or might be, and how it has inspired some folks.  Additionally other cancer survivors and sufferers share their stories with me and disclose that they find strength in the blog.  I’ve even been asked to convert the blog into a book.  (I had a lot more written here, but as mentioned earlier, there was a turn of events that pushed it out, or it would have turned into a five page read).  In any case, I hope you can all find strength here especially when you need it the most. For some reason an old love saying popped into my head.  “Love me when I deserve it the least, for that is when I need it most.”  Please keep those prayers coming.

So Wednesday I went in to get my pump removed and I got some alarming news.  Monday’s bloodwork revealed that my CEA tumor marker score climbed to 6.6, which is more than double the last score.  That might have meant one of several things, with a faulty test score being the only positive outcome.  They took more blood Wednesday and sent it to another lab for validation.  This new information certainly started my mental hamster running and emotions came flooding in. The most devastating of those thoughts was recalling a very recent discussion with my daughter.  After missing her two games, and her telling me the story of how well she did, Josie asked when my cancer would be gone… presumably so we can get back to “normal” and I wouldn’t miss any more games.  Tuesday night, I told her that I didn’t know, but I was trying.  The new information on Wednesday makes me less optimistic. 

Thursday morning I got the news that my score had gone up another tick to 7.5. This is not good and validates that the first was not a false positive. Remember just a couple of months ago when the score was in the 1.5 range and we were thinking that a remission might be around the corner?  Well that plan just blew up.

It has been recommended that I get to MD Anderson for another scan in the next two weeks and potentially change protocols.  What has likely occurred is my cancer has broken through the current protocol and is no longer contained. Sorry Josie, the timeline just got longer.  So that means we are effectively going back to square one.  Maybe not completely, but there is new activity that needs to get treated and the current fix is no longer cutting it.  Six weeks wasn’t much of a break, but it is what it is.  I’ll be honest, this was not easy news to hear and digest. The current protocol takes a significant toll on my body and I can only imagine what starting a new regimen will do.

I took a few hours and had my own little pity party.  It was disheartening to go follow all the instructions, keep a good attitude, and suffer through the meds and side effects.  Then only to hear that there was a breach in containment.  I wanted to blame my body, my mind, my faith, stress, almost anything.  Is it possible I was still taking too much for granted?  Is there another lesson I need to learn? I’m sure you can imagine the spiraling thoughts of hopelessness that crept in.  I am not proud of this moment of weakness, nor am I ashamed of it.  Kudos to MDA for quickly rescheduling my scan and looking into my issue within hours of my request.  They really are the best.

I guess this is where I need to put some energy into healing myself in addition to helping others.  I’ve been saying so frequently that I’m strong enough to do this, it’s time again to put my money where my mouth is.  From an advice point to any new readers or cancer sufferers, I believe my mistake was buying into the confident support and the urgency of healing.  Everyone wants you to get better so very quickly and buck all the odds. Sure, who doesn’t?  (Aside – the statistics are there for a reason and based on empirical data, not merely probabilities like a coin flip).  My new outlook is to set small goals and milestones along the way.  Start racking up victories each day, week, month, etc.  Then focus on longer term objectives such as remissions, clean screenings, and ultimately whatever is supposed to happen.  Cancer is a nasty disease for a reason.  If it was so easy to contain and treat, it wouldn’t be so big a deal would it?  But alas it is, and it sucks, and it has claimed many scalps for its trophy wall.  But when I was starting to lapse mentally, another magical nudge from above occurs.

A couple of weeks ago I was watching Joe Versus the Volcano.  As I was flipping around between innings of the Ranger game, I saw the title again and it reminded me of a scene that really impacted me.  If you don’t know the movie, it’s a campy flick where Tom Hanks is tricked into believing he has a brain cloud.  He then has to travel to a Polynesian island to ultimately jump into a volcano to because there are none “brave enough among the Waponi-woo” the indigenous island inhabitants. This is done to appease the volcano “god” and the Waponi-woo would then sign the mineral rights over to a guy who produces microchips.  Joe’s reward is unlimited funds for a few weeks and a trip aboard a yacht to the island. 

On the way he encounters some hardships but one magical night he is floating on his luggage with Meg Ryan (the ship goes down) and the moon comes up over the horizon. He watches the magnificent sight and thanks God for his life.  Joe did not feel betrayal, fear, or even disappointment, but rather gratefulness. I remember seeing that scene and thinking how thankful I was for my own existence.

I’ve traveled and seen a great many things.  I’ve been a part of some amazing teams in my career. I married the love of my life.  I have two beautiful and amazing children of whom I am so proud. I had a father that died way too soon, but left me so many lessons that I treasure and use every day.  I have an 80 year old mother who is healthy, lives a mile away and is a big part of our lives.  I have amazing friends who would do almost anything for my family.  So yes, thank you God! Thank you for my life.  It is time to strap up and get back in the fight.  I almost feel silly for the moment of weakness, but I suppose it just shows I’m human too.  It happens. But fear not, no one rings out today.  The Martinez family never quits. TeamMarco@austin.rr.com