Gold in them thar hills

Gold in them thar hills

We had one last summer hurrah in Breckenridge, Colorado this week.  We even had a travel delay on the last leg of our trip.  Nothing too bad, just an extra hour on the tarmac, but that is a lot for small kids.  And they did great.  I remembered the last time I flew home from Denver, I had a 17-hour travel day.  If you remember a few years back it was when those tornados hit Dallas.  I was on a half loaded plane in DFW when they sounded the alarm and asked us all to go into the shelters.  I went to the admiral’s club and watched a ton of hail hit the planes at the gates.  That is when I realized that every plane had to be inspected.  Inbound flights were averted and there aren’t 200 extra 737s sitting in hangers just in case. So my 12:30pm flight to Austin ended up leaving at 11:00pm.  I was lucky because every flight in between was cancelled and only my frequent flier status got me on that standby flight. My 6:30am flight from Denver even had some snow if I remember correctly.  Anyway, this was nothing like that, the worst was Josie yelling over her own headphones, “Dad when are we going to take off?”  For all those thinking we should have splurged for the miles upgrade to first class on the way back…you were right.  But we did fine.

In Breckenridge of course we visited the obligatory gold mine and did a little panning.  Josie actually found a gold fleck. Eureka! It was pretty exciting.  We did a lot of gondola and chair lift rides to amazing heights…so much so that it was kind of hard to catch your breath at times. We also went on a rafting trip.  Here is where Connor blew me away. 

Several years ago there was a carnival incident where he literally passed out on a ride.  He got so scared that he momentarily lost consciousness (yes of course I was mortified). Since then although he tries new things, he’s never been the daredevil sort.  During the rafting trip there was a rock where you could pull over and jump into the water.  Connor watched some adults and a couple of kids jumping and decided he was doing it.  We told him about the 56-degree water temperature and he didn’t care.  This is the same boy that wouldn’t jump off a diving board until early this summer, while most of his peers were doing it years ago.  Well, he climbed up with the guide and off he went.  When I helped him out of the water his hands were freezing.  He looked me square in the eye and said, “I want to do it again.”  My boy is coming around. He jumped and Josie took pictures, it was great.

During my next oncology appointment when they ask if I’ve experienced any shortness of breath I think they’ll freak out when I say “all week!” Man, going up 12 thousand feet is no joke.  The first night we got there I could barely eat any dinner and at the grocery store I thought I might even pass out.  I continued to drink a ton of water and by the second day I was feeling much better.  I did love the temperature fluctuations from low 70s to low 50s and of course it rained a little every day.  Sometimes hard, sometimes lightly, but it always rained.  Our condo was fantastic and had no AC.  So we opened windows and enjoyed the fresh mountain air.  Connor noted the crisp smell of pine everywhere and it got us talking a lot about Christmas.

A couple of friends came to visit us the night we got there and the next day.  Jon was the emcee at my wedding and was my first account executive at Dell.  His wife is a breast cancer survivor.  We talked a lot about chemo, life, and other things.  They have a property on peak 7 and took us and the kids swimming at the indoor/outdoor pool.  It was the perfect blend of activity and slow acclimation to the oxygen levels. Jon and I used to talk every day before work when I first started at Dell.  He taught me as much about how to succeed in sales as possibly anyone ever could have.  I’ve used so much of his advice over the years to do my thing as well as train other salespeople.  And the thing is, it isn’t rocket surgery.  But that is another chapter in another book.

One day we went up to the top of peak 8 and there was the “last snow of the season” piled into a big snow/ice mountain.  The kids played on real snow for the first time, slid down makeshift paths, threw ice balls, and generally had a great time slipping and getting back up.  They asked if we could come back sometime during the snowy season.  As the guy who “always keeps his promises,” I had to dance around this one.

I love that we are creating memories and getting a lot of events and family fun on film and on paper (metaphorically).  I cherish these moments and use them as tools for teaching life lessons, learning about nature, oneself, etc.  However, I am also very cognizant of my statistics, and how much we are depending on this next chemo regimen to work and work quickly.  This isn’t about time or money right now it’s about whether or not I’ll even be around to be part of this next year or the year after.  But at least there will be records of the things we did as a family.  I even started making a funeral slide show.  I know Nita will have a lot to do when the time comes, and I kind of like making those little slideshows and videos, setting them to music, etc.  So if you have any great pictures of us, please send them along (digital would be great and save me some time). I’m sure there will be some version of it running at the dinner/auction this December.

As you can imagine I reflect a lot on my life.  I look at the stages in my life where I was all about sports, then all about work, and now all about family and community.  There were two years at Dell where I didn’t take any vacation days.  None.  I just went in, worked, and made it happen.  Of course I was single and the money was great.  It was a fun environment and it met my ambitious needs and fed my work ethic with syrupy “you can do even more” thoughts.  So I did. 

A few years later, I met and married Nita and we went to Europe for 2 weeks.  Wow, I realized that I hadn’t done anything.  I’d been on a couple of cruises with some friends and even a couple of ski trips, but felt like I hadn’t seen much.  Combine that with being executive platinum on American Airlines and a Hilton diamond member.  So here I was travelling all the time, but seeing nothing more than airplanes and hotels. Nita and I decided to start using my vacation days more wisely.  We went back to Europe a couple of times and when we finally got pregnant with Connor did a two-week cruise through the Panama Canal.

The other significant factor was we had money and plenty of it.  Thank goodness we saved a lot, but we spent a lot too.  And we did it on us.  We were pretty frugal on most things, but did not skimp when we went on vacation.  Then Nita’s company went under and she became a stay at home mom.  I was still doing okay so we were able to keep up most of our lifestyle minus the plane travel and our savings contributions were halted.  I thought this would be temporary and we’d be back to the kind of money we were used to.  Then the cancer hit and other job things that I won’t get into.  Suffice to say, we went from the top of the world (our world) to where we are now.

So where am I going with this?  Well, my life has had many stages as I’m sure most of yours have as well.  I’m glad we stocked away as much as we did because now that is what we’re using to subsidize our living expenses.  I know I won’t be retiring anymore and my life insurance policy should provide close to what we were planning to add anyway. What is sad is my father was six months away from retirement when he died.  He had planned to travel with my mother and was studying to be a docent for the Lady Bird Johnson wildflower center (that man was an amazing carpenter and had a very green thumb).  The sad part is that all his adventures would never happen…but he never missed a baseball game in which I played.  Ever.

Another funny thing that happened was telling the kids stories about my life growing up in the country and my first years out of college.  I told them stories about being too poor to afford meat.  Josie was blown away.  “You couldn’t buy steak?”  “Princess,” I said “I couldn’t afford hamburger.”  Connor wouldn’t believe such a travesty.  So as our financial situation changes it reminds me again about the many lives I’ve lived.  But I’ve managed through all of them, and have been able to enjoy all parts of my journey.  My dad always taught me that any problem that can be solved with money isn’t really a problem.  I actually think that although we aren’t poor or destitute, we’ve grown closer as a family in these times.  Maybe that is another part of the lesson I needed to learn.  My dad was always saving for a rainy day and thought he’d have more time.  I’ve learned the value of time and thank goodness for savings.

As for me, sure I’ve had some adventures.  I learned that we’re not promised a retirement or a tomorrow and eventually chose to start living in the now, even if it was a little late.  Cancer has really made me double down on this. So we are being frugal with our travel (a lot of our accommodations have been gifted and air travel has been from accumulated miles over the years), but we are getting the most out of every event.  The kids are getting the bug for it and learning so much at every turn.  When we hit the end of the runway I worry about how this dynamic will change.  So again, I’m reaching out to the network.  When the time comes, please invite Nita and the kids to go with you somewhere, they should have the means.  They will appreciate it and so will I.  They learn so much from different places and adventures and I don’t want them to be library savants like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting.

So what do I do with questions like, “Dad can we do this again next year or worse, ‘every year?’”  I suppose I answer like any other parent and say we can try but there are no promises.  They are too young to ask why, thank goodness, because that would be quite a long answer and not a fun one. But this does give me another few reasons to keep fighting doesn’t it?  There are adventures out there and lessons to be learned.  I have found that the more well-rounded you are, the more you can talk about almost anything.  That means you can talk to almost anyone, and that makes you a value to any group whether in friendship or employment.

I’ve experienced a lot in sports, in life, in reading, and in travel.  My experience and thirst for knowledge has given me a pretty broad and deep ability to talk about many things.  I think this is why my network is so vast and diverse.  I have been able to be many things to many people, while still being myself…if that makes any sense.  However, as I think about my support network I am clearly blown away. In fact the other day I thought to myself, I certainly don’t deserve all this love and support.  I just don’t.  I have not sufficiently earned it.  I have tried to be a good friend, good teammate, good parent, good coach, good husband, good son, etc. But I know in my heart that I have failed so many times.  I have not always been that dependable friend.  I have been selfish so many times (don’t get excited, there is no big reveal coming – I have always and will always honor my marriage) and have not always taken the time to help others. 

So here I sit in awe of your generosity and love. The outpouring is beyond what I could ever imagine. I think this is why I write this blog, so I can try to help others find confidence, inspiration, health, maybe repair a broken relationship, and see the value of time.  It isn’t much, but it is what I can give right now.  I cannot express how much you all mean to me and my family.  I may not have enough time left to earn it, but I will try.  That’s all I can promise, because daddy always keeps his promises. TeamMarco@austin.rr.com