Will you be ready?
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| Some friends of the kids had an IFly party the week before school |
What a roller coaster of emotions this week. There were so many separate events that gave
the highest highs and others that brought out thoughts that were uncomfortable
to say the least. I’ll start with an
easy one. This was back to school week for
the kids. Both have great teachers and
we love our school. Connor’s class is
full of friends and his teacher is very enthusiastic and sweet. Josie is a rule follower and she’s having a minor
issue digesting all the new rules of the school. It’s not that they are unreasonable, it’s
just that Josie is so concerned about her perfection that it is scary and
frustrating for her. But she’s a sharp
kid and in a week the routine will feel like she’s been doing it forever.
The side effects from chemotherapy last week are waning, but
my inability to consume cold anything has had some positive effects. As we all know, most of the awesome sugary
sweets (which for some reason chemo makes you crave) are cold. Ice cream, pie, etc. So in laying off of those things, I’ve lost
about 10 pounds (good loss, no need to panic).
Add in my tooth that flared up in Colorado, number 14 if you are keeping
score at home, is flaring up again. I’m
on an antibiotic to help, but my root canal is scheduled for September 6. There is just no getting out of it. I joked with my dentist that this news is
about 3rd or 4th on my list of “oh shit” stuff I’m
dealing with. He agreed.
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| Connor's chair has now been replaced with a core ball, he's much happier |
All in all, I got over the hump of the first batch of chemo
with some discomfort and an upper respiratory infection. The latter is more likely due to all the kid-centric
activities crammed into the last week of summer and maybe all the rain we’ve
been getting. While visiting a customer
on Thursday, she said that “everyone in the office has a cough like mine,”
which eases my concerns for sure. My oncology team is on the fence as to
whether the cough is a little bug or a side effect. We’ll see soon as my antibiotic does its
magic and chemo comes up again on Monday.
I’m not too worried, I have taken down bigger opponents.
Connor and I were watching Rocky 6 last night and there was
a scene in which he was describing character.
He stated (must read this in your Rocky voice), “life will beat you to
your knees and keep you there if you let it.
But it ain’t about how hard you hit, but how hard you can get hit and
keep moving forward. How much you can
take and keep moving forward, that’s how winnin’ is done.” Gotta love the Rock and queue Michael Buffer.
Okay, at chemo camp this week someone almost died, in
honesty I’m surprised it hasn’t happened more frequently. It was a scary situation, but the nurses and
doctors were amazing as they controlled the situation. Due to privacy, etc. I’m not going to give
any other details other than, they brought the person back and the person was
safely transported to the hospital. But
it really made me think about “the moment.”
The second part of this was a meeting I had with a friend regarding my
tournament, dinner, event. He and I met
for lunch and we spent all of five minutes talking about the event and the
other 45 talking about life and death.
This person had major heart damage and had out-of-the-chest
open heart surgery. His surgeons thought
there was no way he should have survived prior to the operation. These
realities led to some very long talks with God for him and I could clearly
empathize with him. As a longtime
executive of our club, he knows about me, my family, my story and is an avid
blog reader, so we talked about him. I
listened to his story and we shared some thoughts that were clearly on another
level that most people don’t or can’t internalize. I’ve tried to help explain it with my blog,
but our discussion really did help me really break down what I myself have been
feeling for the better part of a year.
Almost a year ago to the day I was admitted to the hospital
with my blockage. It was August 28, 2015
when my life changed completely. I was
told that I had stage 4 colon cancer. I
didn’t have access to a computer so I didn’t know exactly what that meant at
the time. I figured some surgery and
maybe some chemo and bing bang boom, I’d kick this thing. After all I was strong, stubborn, and had a
lot to live for. Meanwhile my friends
and family were all googling stage 4 colon cancer and looking at the
statistics. I joked with my doctors,
many of whom are friends, about my situation because I didn’t fully realize that
it was a death sentence. They did.
As waves of people came to visit me and as I began to
process things, several epiphanies came to me.
Many more have come along as my fight has gone on for this last
year. One very specific one that my friend
and I were talking about was your readiness to face your maker. Are you ready? We all think there is plenty of time
right? But what happens if today is your
day? Are you ready to defend your
life? What will be on your video
(reference to the Albert Brooks movie, Defending
your Life, it’s cute and worth watching)?
Once you start breaking down what is and isn’t important there is
another thought that smacks you hard in the face. It is the worry about your stuff. We are consumed with acquiring stuff and
things for ourselves and our families.
Where you live, what you drive, what you wear, etc. But when you are on a gurney and being
wheeled into surgery…you are naked and alone.
There is no jewelry, you are not at home, and there is no family with
you. It is you, the surgery team, and
God.
This naked and alone part was quite an interesting portion
of our discussion. Mostly because I was very guilty of my focus on stuff. In fact, I built most of my career on setting
goals for acquiring that stuff. And I’m
not saying there is anything wrong with it.
Be ambitious, set the world on fire, get the G6 and the Lambo. There is no virtue in having nothing for lack
of effort, nor is there any lack of virtue in being successful. Most of my friends are successful, they
should be proud and I am proud of them. In
fact, I am doing everything I can to prepare my kids to be successful. But as or more importantly to be good
people. What I’m trying to say is what
we’ve all heard before: “You can’t take it with you.”
So what does that really mean? I think it means that making
memories and having an impact on the lives of others is the most important “thing”
you can acquire. Another friend and old
college roommate called me out of the blue on Wednesday. Both of his parents passed away from colon
cancer. My affliction has been tough on
him because obviously he knows how it ends.
But among the things we talked about were our goals 28 years ago versus the
goals now. I always thought I was going
to set the world on fire. I was promoted
rapidly during my career and was always looking for the next rung in the ladder. For 46 years, I worked to be the best in
whatever endeavor I pursued…okay some of those I was in diapers and I may not
have been as competitive…but you get my point.
I was a driven guy with goals of world domination.
For the last year, I have said “I love you” to more human
beings than I can remember. I rarely
miss an opportunity to tell my friends how much they mean to me any longer (I
hope I’m not weirding them out). I kiss
and hug my wife and children every single day as many times as I can get away
with it. I have tickle fights with my
son that are somewhat epic. The laughter
of my children gives me 100 times more joy than my first Lexus did (and I
thought that was a pretty big deal at the time). I have really tried to be a
better person and friend in the last year than I was in the first 46.
It is also why I write this blog. It started as a way to sort out my thoughts
and feelings, then it became a vehicle to teach the kids about daddy when he’s gone,
and finally into an opportunity to help others.
To help by teaching others how to cope with similar situations, letting
people know they are not alone in their struggle, helping folks maybe fine tune
relationships, maybe even repair some broken ones, and to inspire. It has actually become bigger than me which
is wonderful. As I visited customers this week, they even brought up the blog
and how much it means to them. I cannot express how humbling this year has
been. From facing my own mortality to
watching my community lift me up on their shoulders and march me across the
virtual field.
I never knew there was so much good and love and generosity
so nearby. I take that back; I didn’t
take the time to pay attention. Now I
do. I get it. Like the revelation of Bill Murray in Scrooged, man I get it now, I really
do. We’re currently in the mission and
planning stages, but this has inspired the creation of a philanthropy which may
or may not be fully operational by the time my event occurs in December. There are details being meticulously worked
out, but there will be a foundation that comes out of this with a mission to
help other folks in our community long after I am gone. I couldn’t ask for a better memorial. The website for the event (not the
philanthropy) is www.martinezfamilycancerfoundation.org.
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| Josie didn't like the experience, but she never gave up. She reminded me that Martinez' never quit |
For those of you whom I’ve never met and can make it, I sure
hope to see you there. To those who
follow along, God bless you and thank you.
For those of you who have benefited from these blogs, I am very happy to
have helped. And for those of you whom I
wronged in the past and are giving me another chance…thank you and please
forgive me. I feel like even though I
still cry at times and have moments of weakness that I am ultimately
ready. I want to stay as long as I can
obviously, but I feel pretty good about my relationships. I’ve never been in a 12 step program, but I’m
guessing I’ve gone through many of the steps along the way as I’ve learned to
heal myself, accept my fate, and reach out to others. So far I have been given a year when so many
with my condition get much less. God has
given me more time, what am I going to do with it? Well I know a red headed boy who needs some
tickling and a little brown haired girl who needs a bear hug and kiss. I might even go dance with my wife for no
reason. What will you do with your time?
Are you ready? TeamMarco@austin.rr.com
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