Now What

Now what?

This was MD Anderson scan week for me.  The blog is a little late because, well my appointments were at the end of the week and I had no way of knowing the results. I will share with you what I was going through on the way. There was a mix of optimism and worry.  And I was handed a bag of lemons. I’ll explain.

Family at the F1 event in Austin last Saturday

When I was first diagnosed I truly felt like I could be the outlier, shining star-miracle cure guy.  If it was tenacity and a willingness to do whatever it took…I was determined to be that guy.  Now I am painfully aware that cancer isn’t a game or a mindset or a weakness that has merely been exploited.  It is a tough mother f*&^%r that takes no prisoners. None.  In fact, another dear dear friend was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer this week and I hate it.  I like the fact that I can help people understand, cope, and possibly even ease their transition to a new type of normal (whatever that means), but hate that I’ve become good at something no one wants.

I was starting to feel good about my friend in the neighborhood.  Not that he has cancer, of course, but that I could help him understand first, that he wasn’t alone and second, give him some tips on fluids, proactive meds, etc.  To use a really bad example, it was like the Cuba Gooding Jr. character in What Dreams May Come. I say it is a bad example because in the movie, Robin Williams dies and Cuba is there to help him acclimate to heaven. I don’t want the end game to be a prominent part of the discussion, but it inevitably is.  So I accept my role gladly as a husband and father with a fight on his hands every day, and the responsibility to help my friends and family deal with their afflictions as well. 

Josephine (far left) at a pumpkin patch with her friends

Wednesday, I went and visited the kid’s school for lunch.  I was able to eat lunch with them.  My mother and I had a discussion about “the end” a few days prior.  She said, “Connor will miss you, but no one will really know how he feels for a while.  He’s much more reserved.  But I think Josephine will be devastated.  She will be inconsolable for some time.”  She’s right.  I had lunch with Connor’s class first and due to early release day they were watching an educational film in the classroom during lunchtime.  I asked if he wanted to watch the movie or go eat together in the atrium.  He said, “You can come to the classroom if you promise not to be a distraction.”  Josie held my arm like she was falling off a cliff.  She jumped at the chance to have a just me-and-her lunch in the school atrium.  She beamed that I had taken the time to come and be with her at school.  She went on and on about all red ribbon week, silly socks, etc. Unfortunately, I think mom nailed it.

This week’s symptoms were mostly nausea and acid reflux.  I have found two things that help me.  One is getting fluids on top of the normal chemotherapy.  I think it helps keep you hydrated (duh) but also helps flush out all that junk.  The second was a funny accidental find.  The nurse gave me the Avastin before the Oxaliplatin.  I have no idea if this is purely anecdotal or not, but usually those compounds are reversed.  However, this accidental order of operation seemed to reduce the nausea and almost eliminate the diarrhea over the last few weeks (I still take an Imodium with breakfast every day, but only one per day now).  So for all my cancer patient readers out there, if you are on FolFox, give this a try.  It might help…or it might just be me, I don’t know.  By the way, I’m one of those outliers who can taste the saline flush and I have the KRas mutation.  So take that for what it’s worth.

As stated, when I started this journey I had certain goals.  As the journey went on and the FulFiri stopped working, I readjusted those goals as any good strategist would.  So here I am, my numbers are improving and there is a trial available for me if/when the FolFox stops being effective or my body can’t tolerate it any longer.  My newest goals were somewhat short term.  The golf tournament/dinner to help the family, and then my life insurance policy to get them the rest of the way.  But now it looks like I might be sticking around a little longer.  So now what?

Well I’m still leery about booking a flight for a vacation in August, but I don’t feel like I need to pre-pay for a five-minute egg (thank you for the joke George Burns).  I feel pretty strong right now and I’m keeping weight on (probably too much weight).  My body looks better than it feels, but I’m able to take what has been thrown at me so far.  I don’t know where that puts me on the bell curve, but I do feel like not only will I make it to Christmas, but will more than likely be able to coach some baseball this spring.

A friend of mine ran into me the other day and said, “you look so good people are going to think you’re faking.”  Well I am cooking emcees like a pound of bacon! But he meant my color, and that I’m keeping weight on and don’t look like I’m withering away.  I asked the MDA oncologist about this and he said, “Well traditionally colon cancer patients don’t show their disease the way other patients do.”  I replied, “Until the end, right?”  He said, “Yes, until the end.”  I’ll take it. At least we have a visual indicator now, don’t we?

So here are the results from MD Anderson:  I’m doing well.  My liver, lung and lymph “mets” (lesions which have metastasized from my colon cancer) have shrunk a little.  There were new liver lesions that were found, but probably due to being previously hidden by larger lesions (cancer tumors) which had shrunk due to the medication.  The medication seems to be working and my CEA held steady in the 4 range.  My body is tolerating the regimen and the MDA team sees no reason to change it for the next few months and my next scan will be (barring any spikes) after the holidays.  So great news!

Baseball buddies at Patrenellas restaurant

We are getting ready for Halloween and as we prepare for the next few holidays and my tournament, I am filled again with hope and joy.  Thanks to Pete for riding down with me to Houston.  Thanks to BCC for voting for Connor in the Halloween costume contest I missed.  Thanks to Uncle Sammy for putting us up and feeding us like kings in the restaurant.  He also has these Meyers lemon trees in his garden.  He gave us a bag of lemons for the ride home.  How metaphorically perfect is that?  I was literally handed a bag of lemons.  Guess what Josie is making? And of course, thanks to God for giving me a bit more runway.

I got home in time to pick up the kids from school on Friday and then later that night I took Connor to a high school football game for his cub scout badge.  Just before halftime a sheriff and a security guy came up and started talking to the kids, who had all run up to the top row together.  Apparently, some of them were throwing things over the top rail. Ugh.  I called Connor over and he admitted that he had done it.  Well, at least he didn’t lie about it. One of his stronger traits.

Connor and I at the game

We left right then and talked about the incident on the way home. He felt very bad and was even more devastated that I was disappointed in him.  Now he’s not quite 8 and we all know kids are going to do stupid stuff together.  But my expectation is that at his age he can recognize that something is wrong and at least not participate.  At best (maybe this is 10 years maybe more) that he would have the confidence to tell the others to stop.  At any rate, I’m happy it happened and we could squeeze in one more lesson.  We have some work to do and luckily a little more time.

One last thing about my results and timing.  I don’t want to bring a joyous moment down at all…but!  This drug regimen and its efficacy…this is a containment strategy.  Think of stage 4 colon cancer like Michael Jordan.  You can’t stop him; you can only hope to contain him.  So again, there is no cure.  I am at peace with that.  But the containment is working for now and the oncology team is very in tune to backing off the regimen before the cancer gets resistant to the FolFox (which is what happened with the FulFiri). 

Peyton Manning football for the auction

My journey has been tough with plenty of ups and downs.  I have felt love like I never knew was possible from my friends and family.  I have opened my heart and mind and stopped being so judgmental. I have really enjoyed simple things that I had previously ignored.  There is a lot of beauty and kindness in our world…if you look for it.  So I’ll keep looking, loving, and helping where I can.  Who knows, maybe I still am slated to be that shining star-miracle cure guy.  Maybe this is my calling; this weekly reminder that God loves us, challenges us to rise above, and be strong in the face of adversity.  And perhaps to find not just hope but joy in those challenges.  Who knows what lies ahead?  No one knows, but if you need a hand, just reach out, I’m your man.  TeamMarco@austin.rr.com

 

Scouts Honor

Scout’s honor

I can honestly say that I was never a boy scout or cub scout.  I played sports all year-round from about six years old until I was about 18.  I just never had the time for it.  Nita signed up Connor and Josephine for cub scouts and daisies this year.  As luck would have it, the platelet drop which forced my chemo week to be pushed out, allowed me to go to Connor’s first badge earning event.  It was an overnight campout at the Waco Zoo.  Additionally, that morning Josie had her first badge earning event which was a trip to Sweetberry farms for some horticulture education and some pumpkin and gourd picking. Nita took both kids which gave me time to pick up a few things for our campout.

We drove up to the zoo and arrived at 6pm.  The staff told us the rules and about 75 people all humped our gear to the open area and began to set up.  Now when I first went to pick up the tent Nita told me, “get a big tent, one we can use as a family later and maybe even take the dog.”  I hadn’t been camping in quite a few years.  In fact, Dell kind of spoiled me with the fancy hotels on my travels.  So I wasn’t exactly looking for a “feel the earth beneath me” experience.

So Nita says get a big tent.  Now you can’t give me guidance like that and expect me to come home with a four-person tent and a dog flap.  So I bought a larger tent which also had a ceiling fan, light, and wall light switch.  It was fairly impressive and easy to set up, Connor’s help of courses made it take a bit longer, but that is really what makes it awesome isn’t it?  Being out there with your boy doing outdoor stuff?  The tent was so impressive that Connor began giving tours of it to his fellow scouters.

That night we had a behind the scenes tour of four barns: giraffes; white rhinos; tigers; and various nocturnal animals, reptiles and birds.  We were able to feed the giraffes, pet the rhinos, and pet some of the reptiles and an opossum. The kids were on the tour until almost 10pm (which is late for a 7-8-year-old…and a 47-year-old). When we got back to camp, we were beat.  We brushed our teeth, changed into sleepwear and hit the air mattress and sleeping bags.  The night sounds were fun and Connor and I both enjoyed the night. 

Connor feeding the giraffe

The next morning, we had breakfast, toured the zoo, and then made the trip back to Austin.  It was a fun trip and a blessing as well.  You see, it should have been a chemo week for me.  All the water they gave us was chilled…and I could not have held it much less consumed it for a while.  All the walking and setting up and tearing down we did would have been tough for me on a chemo week.  In fact, Nita and I had even decided that she should go instead…but then my week got pushed back and with two weeks off, I was able to handle the load.  Thanks to God, I had a great overnight with my son.

This week, however, is chemo week.  My bloodwork came in and I was healthy enough for chemo.  My platelets came back up and it encourages me that my body continues to battle the nasty stuff we’re using to try to contain the cancer.  My white blood cell count has been steady throughout the FolFox treatments meaning that my immune system isn’t as compromised; and I haven’t had a Neupogen shot in months.  Also good news.  The side effects are still uncomfortable but what do you expect?  You are putting poison into your body right?  Something has to give, so once you accept that, it is easier to overcome.  So I won’t bore you folks with the same tired list of side effects, but all the greatest hits are playing. And I’m chasing them around with meds, same old drill. The neuropathy is a bit worse now.  A light cold front came in Thursday and it had a big effect.  I could feel my fingertips tingling all day and then I had to make a quick trip to the store.  Just being in the grocery store near the cold aisle was enough to get my fingers aching.  But that is why they sell gloves.

Oh, I forgot to mention last week that my echocardiogram came back normal.  So the Avastin has not had a detrimental effect on my heart…which is nice.  I kind of figured that even though the tech isn't allowed to tell me anything on the spot, usually if they don’t send you immediately to the emergency room, then you are probably okay.  My barometer for panic has changed a lot over the last year.  I have a better read on when medical folks are freaked out and when things are just normal chaos (if that makes any sense). 

I called my cancer buddy this week to see how he was handling his second treatment and we spoke a lot about the symptoms and what to expect.  He is an engineer and a tinkerer so he’s trying to find easier ways to manage his pump and other little tricks around the house. It was nice talking to him and listening to his plans and ideas.  We all react to our situations differently and it helps to have someone on the inside if you know what I mean.  I certainly appreciated the advice from those who had been there before and helped me understand what to expect.  Reading about side effects from the drug manufacturer is not quite the same as people telling you about their personal experiences.

Josephine won the principal’s pride award at Spicewood in her first month.  We were very proud of her and (this is going to sound bad) kind of expected it.  Josie is a strong communicator and rule follower.  She’s a dream student for any teacher and we were very confident she’d excel.  Granted, it’s only kindergarten but she walked in being able to count to 100…in Spanish.  She did this because once in pre-K, two little girls could count to sixteen and “beat her.”  She said she’d never let that happen again.  So we worked on it for a few weeks and bammo, 100.  Technically she now can go to one thousand if you had the time.

It reminded me of a golf tournament I played in a few years ago.  It was our club grudge match of the giggle and the gaggle ryder cup.  I was just starting to improve and was around a 15 handicap at the time.  I played a 13 in my singles match and he closed me out 4&3 (he was four holes up on the 15^th hole).  I was pretty mad about it because he was chirping at me the whole time as well.  When I shook his hand and removed my hat I politely said, “You will never in your f&%king life ever beat me again.” He was a little drawn back and said it was all in good fun.  I smiled and walked off (I’m pretty competitive if you hadn’t figured that out by now).  He never ever beat me again.  That was when I made my push and within two years got down to a 5.6 handicap (for you non-golfers, that is a big improvement). Then I had kids, then I got cancer, so now I don’t play.  But my point is, Josephine has that killer instinct.  She refuses to lose. When things don’t go her way, she doesn’t just complain about the environment…she seeks to get better.  I love that!

My CEA score came back this week…4.0!  We’re looking good.  In the chart I’m calling it “treatment 4.5” because I didn’t have chemo last week, this is just carryover from treatment 4!  My oncologist said that my trip to MDA next week should be quite positive.  He said you can’t see a trend like this without expecting corresponding tumor response.  So I’m clearly not jumping on the remission bandwagon like I did last time, but we can definitely expect some shrinking or at least stasis on the sizes.  And clearly the growth trend is moving in the correct direction.  So there is a lot for which to be thankful! 

So here we go into All Saints Day, Halloween, Dia de los Muertos, and my wife’s birthday.  A couple of big weeks ahead of us.  I’m pushing my chemo back one day so I can go trick or treating with the kids.  Our neighborhood does it right and there are so many kids and golf carts that it is almost impossible to have a bad time.  I am certainly thankful that God has allowed me to participate in another holiday season.  I do not take them for granted, in fact it was not too many months ago that I was on my knees begging for one more Christmas.  My thanksgiving prayer might force us to eat cold food this year, maybe not, I’ll do my best to contain myself. 

What I do know is that the prayers each of you have sent up, the support, the love, and the time and effort you have dedicated to help my family and me have made a difference.  I was laughing at my buddy when he said he’s had every possible type of soup from every family in the neighborhood so far.  We do have a very caring community here and we love it.  Combined with my old high school gang, St. Ignatius group, Hope, BCC, Spicewood, Aggies, and TLC; I have been strengthened by the love and support.  I hope to see you folks soon.  But until I do, I’ll keep plugging away…scout’s honor.  TeamMarco@austin.rr.com.

 

Remember the Alamo

Remember the Alamo

Every generation has specific memories of things that happened and “made their generation the best (no offense to the greatest generation).”  I think from the boomers to the gen x, y, and millennials, there are very specific moments that define their generation.  For some it was MTV, the pet rock, or Y2K. For others 9-11, Vietnam, Korean war, Desert Storm and Shield, etc.  I like to look at pop culture during our times of development.  For me, I remember being a kid when there was no cable; just 3 stations and PBS. 

So everyone watched the Jerry Lewis telethon for muscular dystrophy back then.  I actually got in trouble once for calling in and pledging $5.00.  My dad got the invoice in the mail and came to me with it and a crooked dog head look.  I admitted that I did in fact pledge the amount ($5.00 seemed like a lot of money at that time, I must have been around Connor’s age).  He gave me some chores to do to work off my donation (mind you my allowance was around 25 cents a week) and he of course graciously sent them a check.

We also watched Gilligan’s island, the Brady bunch, Fantasy Island, and a slew of other fun sit coms.  Westerns were big so we watched Gunsmoke, the Lone Ranger, and the boys on the Ponderosa.  John Wayne owned the movies and of course him playing Davy Crockett, Rooster Cogburn, and Wil Anderson made you want to be a cowboy. 

I attended David Crockett high school and have always had a fond memory of him and his history.  It made it that much sweeter when my friend and neighbor Hal invited me to the Tennessee v. Texas A&M football game this weekend.  Both teams came in ranked in the top 10 and were 5-0.  We got there in time to tailgate with some guys who I’d only “spoken” to over email and through message board banter.  The food was great and company was awesome.  Aggies won in a double overtime thriller and we had a great time.  Some of the funnier signs and lines regarded the Tennessee participation in the Alamo.  Anyway, it was good fun and the Tennessee folks certainly travelled well; there was a LOT of orange in the stadium.

This week was supposed to be chemo week for me, but my platelets were too low.  That means my blood won’t coagulate as easily and leaves me at risk to cuts and bruising.  However, my white blood cell count is still hanging tough and I haven’t had a Neupogen shot in several months.  That is great news.  So this new drug is attacking a different part of my system as well as the cancer.  The even better news is my CEA score is now down to 5.3!  That alone is fantastic.  As my favorite nurse put it, “You are almost down to one hand.” 

No chemo this week allowed me to do a few things that were previously in the “no” and “maybe” range.  First my lovely mother turned 81 on Tuesday.  So we were able to go as a family along with Nita’s mom and take her to dinner.  Everyone had a fun and the kids even shared their desserts. The other major thing is Connor’s cub scout camp out.  It is being held on Saturday at the Waco Zoo and we had originally planned for Nita to go.  Now I get to take him and we’re all very excited.  Nita and Josie are going to do some “girl stuff” together.

So how do I feel about not being healthy enough for chemotherapy?  Well, like the Alamo, you sometimes lose a battle here and there in order to win the war.  So my body does take a beating with the chemo but my oncologist is a pro.  He knows just when to back off and not push things.  I trust him and his staff completely and they take good care of me.  So even though I’m not on FolFox this week, I of course, still have some side effects with which I am dealing.  Mostly nausea, mouth issues, and acid reflux.  But nothing I can’t handle or power through with meds. 

I’ve got a weird sad confidence thing going on right now.  I am starting to drink the Kool aid that maybe I can stay around long enough for another medical breakthrough.  But then the other day when I was watching the end of The Wedding Singer and Adam Sandler was singing, “I want to grow old with you,” reality swings and puts one right on my chin.  By almost any definition, barring a Canonization inducing miracle, I will not grow old with Nita…unless you think 48 is old.  But you never know, miracles happen, and researchers are researching, so I’ll keep plugging away.  I think a majority of what your body can tolerate is what you mind forces it to tolerate.  So far I have the mental fortitude to convince my body that we’re doing just fine.   So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

The part that digs at me every now and again is that it isn’t simply mental toughness that keeps you above room temperature.  One could argue Jim Valvano had amazing toughness and strength to name just one of the hundreds of folks that I respect who cancer has claimed as a victim.  So there has to be something else right?  Plenty of rich guys have been buried recently, so it isn’t just a problem you can throw money at.  So I don’t know, perhaps God has chosen me to deliver a message of hope, faith, charity, and love.  I read a thing in between political land mines the other day it said, “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”  That is certainly true for me.  I no longer overlook the simple joys and pleasures of life.

For example, chemo has some weird effects on your mouth and stomach.  Your taste buds are in a battle a good portion of the time, and sometimes you get a slight reprieve.  If you are able to time it right and eat something that you really like; it is really good.  You learn not to take those simple moments for granted.  Who would have thought food tasting like it is supposed to would be a big deal?

I’ve said I wouldn’t drag politics into the blog, but this season is just plain nutty.  Connor and Josephine sometimes come home with stories about what the kids in Kindergarten and 2^nd grade are saying.  It reminded me that in my own second grade class we held a mock election.  That was 40 years ago and since it was a secret ballot, I won't tell you for whom I voted.  But the process is always a good learning experience and one should be educated on the system, the constitution, our founding, and the honor of being an American.  Our right to vote is one of the greatest responsibilities we have, and “That is all I have to say about that!” – Forrest Gump.

It has been over a year now that I’ve being on chemotherapy drugs.  Two different treatments with a “break” for five weeks in the summer.  The toll it has taken on me is only outwardly noticeable in a few ways, I suppose.  Two toenails, nosebleeds, some joint pain (which impacts my ability to run around with the kids), and of course my port catheter which keeps me off the golf course.  The sweats, mouth sores and nausea, diarrhea, malaise, and some pain are now just part of day to day living.  The kids have definitely gotten used to the routine of pump days and non-pump days.  There is no longer a novelty about it and they matter-of-factly ask about what activities or play we can do while it is in.  It is hard for them to understand that even when it is not in, that I don’t always feel great.  And I do my best to hide that from them anyway.  I really want their memories of me to be positive, upbeat, fun, and active.

That is why I’m trying so hard to schedule trips, hunting, fishing, camping, and other meaningful and memorable events.  It does take a toll on me and my recuperation time, but what am I saving it for?  The whole point of sticking around is for Nita and the kids right?  Not just be a bump on the couch, but an active participant in their lives.  So I make it a point to drop them off and pick them up from school as often as I can.  So yeah, I push myself a little, but it’s worth it.  And after all, people remember the Alamo.  It isn’t all about the results of your battles but rather how you fought isn’t it? I was taught that character shows through during times of adversity, anyone can be loveable during the good times. So my goal is to lead by example and teach my kids and anyone else who is interested that you can be victorious when you keep fighting with honor and dignity.  Sometimes when things seem helpless or hopeless, that is when you find the most powerful you…and people are paying attention. TeamMarco@austin.rr.com.

 

Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right…

What is with the clowns?  Kids if you are reading this 10 or 15 years from now, there were a series of terroristic threats being made by people, dressed as clowns.  Some idiots, dressed as clowns, tried to freak people out randomly, a stupid prank that went wrong.  It wasn’t a huge thing, but pop culture is what it is and due to social media and click bait, took on a life of its own.  So the neighborhoods and schools went on alert for clown watch 2016.  It was a funny microcosm of how quickly things can spin up or spin down in our present time. 

Clown Crawl 2005

Before we had kids, Nita and I went on a few pub crawls dressed as clowns. In fact, it was called the “clown crawl” and there were about 40 or so of us and it was awesome.  It became pretty well known and almost anticipated by some local establishments. Yes, we responsibly rented a bus and no one was allowed to bring personal vehicles. It was pretty epic.  Apparently trying to pull that off this year would get a busload of folks beaten, shot or worse.

The Americans won the Ryder Cup this weekend and it was an amazing display of golf.  Also last week we lost one of the great pioneers of the game, Arnold Palmer.  Our club was associated with Mr. Palmer and many of our board members flew up to Latrobe to meet “the king.”  It was bittersweet from a golf perspective but inspiring to watch Davis Love III and his rowdy group bring home the cup.  It truly is one of the great events in sports, testing all parts of the game.  There is nowhere to hide in these matches, everything must click.

 

Speaking of inspiring, the kids were each amazing this week.  I had to get an echocardiogram on Wednesday due to my blood pressure spike a couple of weeks ago, and it brought thoughts of how I have been rushing the development of the children.  By that I mean normally you can let things play out and just be semi-proactive with role playing and semi-reactive knowing that they need to fall down a few times to fully learn a lesson.  But most of the time those are age appropriate.  But due to my condition and timeline (whatever it may be) I am forced to perhaps rush things that might be a little bit early for their age range…but it is paying huge dividends.

Connor calling dove

First Connor.  We went dove hunting Sunday morning.  Not a single dove flew over us, nothing.  But Connor was patient, and more importantly practiced amazing gun safety with his .410.  He did everything right.  We practiced aiming and swinging the gun with the cowbirds that flew over.  As soon as the birds flew by, he unshouldered his gun and opened the break action shot gun.  He has also learned not to put the finger on the trigger until he’s ready for his slow steady pull.  After the “hunt” I let him squeeze off about 10 rounds at a box in a tree to get some target practice in.  He’s such a good kid.

We got home and he wanted to play Wii bird hunt.  However, he had a friend over a few weeks ago and they had misplaced one of the controllers.  I made him find it before he could play with the other one.  The lesson, take care of your stuff.  He looked for about 45 minutes until he collapsed, completely exasperated.  He was upset, tired, and annoyed.  He learned that when friends are over, he is responsible for letting them know the rules of the house…and he will pay the price for it whether he does “it” or not.  Not necessarily age inappropriate, but it would have been easy to cave and just let him use the other one.  Everything is a lesson.

Josie has been doing great at school.  There are some kids who are having issues adjusting to kindergarten, but Josie is not one of them.  Her only challenge is the intake application of the rules and when to apply exceptions.  There is a little girl who has been teasing her.  Josie has told her again and again that it doesn’t bother her and not to waste her time.  But the other girl is convinced that she can get under her skin.  Josie then said, “Daddy, she doesn’t understand that I am in control of my emotions and she can’t hurt me unless I let her…and I won’t.”  We have done some role playing around bullying and being in charge of your self-worth.  Apparently she got it!  So she’s trying to let this little girl know that she’s only wasting valuable play or friend time by trying to see if there is a chink in Josie’s armor.

Josephine continues to amaze me.  Nita and I have said (and many of her teachers) that she is an old soul.  For a girl who will turn six in November, that girl has a confidence and strength that is unbelievable.  I know many of you who have not met or talked to her think I’m exaggerating or just being “that dad.”  I am telling you, this girl is going to do great things someday.  Keep her on your watch list, she’s a game changer.

This was an off week for me, so I had blood work but no CEA scores.  The side effects from last week dissipated enough for me to go into the office for a couple of days.  Basic nausea, heartburn, diarrhea, and some mouth issues.  I got fluids a couple of times and my tipped port is a bit of a nuisance. It doesn’t allow the nurse to go straight in, it’s at a slight angle, and they have to use a one-inch needle instead of the ¾. When they miss, it doesn’t feel good to say the least.  But it isn’t all that bad and like most other parts of this, the pain goes away pretty quickly.

I also learned that a good friend is now going through what I’ve been dealing with for a year.  He just started his first treatment of chemo and I stopped by to give him some support and answer questions.  We talked about pump care and handling, sleeping and showering with it and how to drive without having the seatbelt rub the needle in your port.  It was terrible to be having this conversation with someone I love and respect, but awesome that I was able to help and provide some guidance.

When you first hear that you have cancer you feel very alone.  Not by isolated per se, because people come out of the woodwork with food, calls, visits, everything you could want or need.  But you feel so overwhelmed by the cancer diagnosis and all the moving parts that are out of your control; it feels like you’ve fallen into a hole.  So you sit in your metaphorical hole and wonder if or how you can climb out.  When you are sitting in the infusion chair a few times a week getting chemo or fluids, it gives you even more time to think about your situation. 

Once you overcome this first shockwave, you look around and realize there is no pity in chemo camp.  No one feels sorry for you or themselves there. People are joking, working, laughing, and sharing stories. (There is one sweet old man who reads a novel to presumably his wife each time they are there…however he reads it in such a monotone manner I want to grab the book from him and give it some oomph. Change the character’s voices and use the author’s punctuation marks as intended, but of course I don’t.  Think I should? Would that be rude?).  The only sad faces are the loved ones sitting next to patients really, but after a few treatments the environment takes hold and they learn to accept and smile along.

So you show up, take your medicine so to speak, and thank the nurses on your way out.  This is the point where your confidence starts to come back.  You get more comfortable with the routine and realize that you are alive!  You can still do so many things; and understand that precious moments with friends and family are not to be squandered.  This is the rebirth and the newer understanding of the value of life. 

I was channel surfing after the kids went to be Wednesday night and one of the SAW movies was on.  SAW is a horror movie franchise where the lead guy was diagnosed with cancer and finally thinks he understands the value of life.  But instead of writing a helpful blog he kidnaps people and puts them in precarious booby trapped situations where the victims usually have to make a choice about how badly they truly want to live.  Their dilemma is explained to them by a nefarious and evil looking clown doll.  Those choices involve extremely painful decisions and sometimes include violent crimes against others.  One might even have to cut off a limb in order to make it out of the trap.  So his theory is once you fight so hard for your own life, that you’ll never take life for granted again.  Personally, I think reading a blog is a little easier don’t you?  Don’t worry I will not be coming over (dressed as a clown) to kidnap you and put you in a trap.  I don’t have time or the engineering skills for that.

Speaking of engineering, our air conditioner went out in the upstairs unit.  You might look at the date and say, “big deal.”  But we are in central Texas where we still have 90 degree days.  So it is kind of a big deal.  It’ll cost a bit to fix and the part won’t be in until Monday.  But rather than complain and get upset we decided to have a living room campout instead.  The kids and Brownie (the dog) were elated. It’s all part of seeing things through a different lens and finding solutions and silver linings in day to day challenges.

So there it is.  I pulled in an extremely violent movie to demonstrate another point.  I bet many of you never thought that you’d have Field of Dreams and Where the Red Fern Grows married with SAW as learning tools.  I suppose I didn’t either.  But I also didn’t anticipate that my friend and I would have been pulled into a booby trap of sorts with tests, decisions, challenges, and pain to overcome and fight and keep living.  But we did, and will continue to do so.  Because I do love living, love my family, and love my friends and neighbors.  And I’m going to the A&M v. Tenn game this weekend.  So how is that for carpe diem (seize the day)?  God bless and all you Floridians and east coasters, be safe during Matthew. TeamMarco@austin.rr.com

One of the items that will be available for auction, it's pretty amazing