Remember the Alamo

Remember the Alamo

Every generation has specific memories of things that happened and “made their generation the best (no offense to the greatest generation).”  I think from the boomers to the gen x, y, and millennials, there are very specific moments that define their generation.  For some it was MTV, the pet rock, or Y2K. For others 9-11, Vietnam, Korean war, Desert Storm and Shield, etc.  I like to look at pop culture during our times of development.  For me, I remember being a kid when there was no cable; just 3 stations and PBS. 

So everyone watched the Jerry Lewis telethon for muscular dystrophy back then.  I actually got in trouble once for calling in and pledging $5.00.  My dad got the invoice in the mail and came to me with it and a crooked dog head look.  I admitted that I did in fact pledge the amount ($5.00 seemed like a lot of money at that time, I must have been around Connor’s age).  He gave me some chores to do to work off my donation (mind you my allowance was around 25 cents a week) and he of course graciously sent them a check.

We also watched Gilligan’s island, the Brady bunch, Fantasy Island, and a slew of other fun sit coms.  Westerns were big so we watched Gunsmoke, the Lone Ranger, and the boys on the Ponderosa.  John Wayne owned the movies and of course him playing Davy Crockett, Rooster Cogburn, and Wil Anderson made you want to be a cowboy. 

I attended David Crockett high school and have always had a fond memory of him and his history.  It made it that much sweeter when my friend and neighbor Hal invited me to the Tennessee v. Texas A&M football game this weekend.  Both teams came in ranked in the top 10 and were 5-0.  We got there in time to tailgate with some guys who I’d only “spoken” to over email and through message board banter.  The food was great and company was awesome.  Aggies won in a double overtime thriller and we had a great time.  Some of the funnier signs and lines regarded the Tennessee participation in the Alamo.  Anyway, it was good fun and the Tennessee folks certainly travelled well; there was a LOT of orange in the stadium.

This week was supposed to be chemo week for me, but my platelets were too low.  That means my blood won’t coagulate as easily and leaves me at risk to cuts and bruising.  However, my white blood cell count is still hanging tough and I haven’t had a Neupogen shot in several months.  That is great news.  So this new drug is attacking a different part of my system as well as the cancer.  The even better news is my CEA score is now down to 5.3!  That alone is fantastic.  As my favorite nurse put it, “You are almost down to one hand.” 

No chemo this week allowed me to do a few things that were previously in the “no” and “maybe” range.  First my lovely mother turned 81 on Tuesday.  So we were able to go as a family along with Nita’s mom and take her to dinner.  Everyone had a fun and the kids even shared their desserts. The other major thing is Connor’s cub scout camp out.  It is being held on Saturday at the Waco Zoo and we had originally planned for Nita to go.  Now I get to take him and we’re all very excited.  Nita and Josie are going to do some “girl stuff” together.

So how do I feel about not being healthy enough for chemotherapy?  Well, like the Alamo, you sometimes lose a battle here and there in order to win the war.  So my body does take a beating with the chemo but my oncologist is a pro.  He knows just when to back off and not push things.  I trust him and his staff completely and they take good care of me.  So even though I’m not on FolFox this week, I of course, still have some side effects with which I am dealing.  Mostly nausea, mouth issues, and acid reflux.  But nothing I can’t handle or power through with meds. 

I’ve got a weird sad confidence thing going on right now.  I am starting to drink the Kool aid that maybe I can stay around long enough for another medical breakthrough.  But then the other day when I was watching the end of The Wedding Singer and Adam Sandler was singing, “I want to grow old with you,” reality swings and puts one right on my chin.  By almost any definition, barring a Canonization inducing miracle, I will not grow old with Nita…unless you think 48 is old.  But you never know, miracles happen, and researchers are researching, so I’ll keep plugging away.  I think a majority of what your body can tolerate is what you mind forces it to tolerate.  So far I have the mental fortitude to convince my body that we’re doing just fine.   So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

The part that digs at me every now and again is that it isn’t simply mental toughness that keeps you above room temperature.  One could argue Jim Valvano had amazing toughness and strength to name just one of the hundreds of folks that I respect who cancer has claimed as a victim.  So there has to be something else right?  Plenty of rich guys have been buried recently, so it isn’t just a problem you can throw money at.  So I don’t know, perhaps God has chosen me to deliver a message of hope, faith, charity, and love.  I read a thing in between political land mines the other day it said, “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”  That is certainly true for me.  I no longer overlook the simple joys and pleasures of life.

For example, chemo has some weird effects on your mouth and stomach.  Your taste buds are in a battle a good portion of the time, and sometimes you get a slight reprieve.  If you are able to time it right and eat something that you really like; it is really good.  You learn not to take those simple moments for granted.  Who would have thought food tasting like it is supposed to would be a big deal?

I’ve said I wouldn’t drag politics into the blog, but this season is just plain nutty.  Connor and Josephine sometimes come home with stories about what the kids in Kindergarten and 2^nd grade are saying.  It reminded me that in my own second grade class we held a mock election.  That was 40 years ago and since it was a secret ballot, I won't tell you for whom I voted.  But the process is always a good learning experience and one should be educated on the system, the constitution, our founding, and the honor of being an American.  Our right to vote is one of the greatest responsibilities we have, and “That is all I have to say about that!” – Forrest Gump.

It has been over a year now that I’ve being on chemotherapy drugs.  Two different treatments with a “break” for five weeks in the summer.  The toll it has taken on me is only outwardly noticeable in a few ways, I suppose.  Two toenails, nosebleeds, some joint pain (which impacts my ability to run around with the kids), and of course my port catheter which keeps me off the golf course.  The sweats, mouth sores and nausea, diarrhea, malaise, and some pain are now just part of day to day living.  The kids have definitely gotten used to the routine of pump days and non-pump days.  There is no longer a novelty about it and they matter-of-factly ask about what activities or play we can do while it is in.  It is hard for them to understand that even when it is not in, that I don’t always feel great.  And I do my best to hide that from them anyway.  I really want their memories of me to be positive, upbeat, fun, and active.

That is why I’m trying so hard to schedule trips, hunting, fishing, camping, and other meaningful and memorable events.  It does take a toll on me and my recuperation time, but what am I saving it for?  The whole point of sticking around is for Nita and the kids right?  Not just be a bump on the couch, but an active participant in their lives.  So I make it a point to drop them off and pick them up from school as often as I can.  So yeah, I push myself a little, but it’s worth it.  And after all, people remember the Alamo.  It isn’t all about the results of your battles but rather how you fought isn’t it? I was taught that character shows through during times of adversity, anyone can be loveable during the good times. So my goal is to lead by example and teach my kids and anyone else who is interested that you can be victorious when you keep fighting with honor and dignity.  Sometimes when things seem helpless or hopeless, that is when you find the most powerful you…and people are paying attention. TeamMarco@austin.rr.com.