Great Expectations

Great Expectations

Another chemo week down. That makes 11.  Speaking of 11, today (March 11) is the anniversary of my father’s passing. It was exactly 20 years ago.  It’s hard to believe it has been that long.  I still have dreams about him at times and I can hear his voice, see his face, etc.  I converted some VHS tapes to DVD a few years ago and there are a few videos of him and that helps keep his voice fresh in my head.  While flipping channels the other night Field of Dreams was on, and it is still impossible not to cry when he has a catch with his dad at the end.  Sometimes I wish my kids could have seen me play.  I also wish my dad were here to play catch with Connor too. I project and internalize this scene more than ever now.

Connor and I were outside working on his hitting last weekend.  We were using wiffle balls and finally after a LOT of cuts (swings) he got the hang of it.  He went from asking if we could go inside to asking if he could stay out and hit another bag.  Of course I was ecstatic. I even picked him up and spun him around.  Apparently the scene I made was pretty big because just as I put him down some older boys in the neighborhood (who happened to be playing a wiffle ball game of their own) called over to Connor and asked if he wanted to play in their game.  Connor excitedly ran over to join and of course my pride was bursting at the seams.  He is such a sweet boy and one of his teammates gave him a little guff at their game the other day.  I felt a little bad for him and I hope this little bump in his skills enables him to contribute a little more, but in all honesty as long as he is having fun, and doing his best…I don’t care.

Josie has gone guardrail to guardrail on me.  One day she wants to quit baseball all together and then just Thursday comes into my office and declares that she’d like to be the best player on her team.  She then asked if I could help her.  Well, gee, let me check my schedule sweetie, have your people call my people.  Hell YES I can help her. Let’s see how long this holds up.  Perhaps she’s seeing the attention Connor is getting while trying to improve and she wants a piece of the action.  Either way, everyone wins.

Peyton Manning retired this week.  He had a pretty moving retirement speech and showed a lot of emotion and class.  The sure thing first ballot hall of famer showed how much respect he had for the game and for his peers.  He also spoke about not taking things for granted, how the moments you think you are cherishing are fleeting.  Another good reminder I suppose, kind of like the old saying “you can’t put your hand in the same river twice.”  Everything changes, time keeps rolling by and you can’t get those moments back.  Gotta make the memories while you can.

Have I mentioned how much chemo sucks?  This was another “on” week and it was miserable.  The poison feeling made it hard to sleep on Monday night and Tuesday wasn’t much better.  Then on Wednesday it settled into my bowls.  Not even Imodium could keep it completely under wraps.  Also, it was probably not the best time to crave and eat jalapeno biscuits and gravy.  Just saying.  And if those weren’t enough, the mouth issues came back, but luckily I had my trusty bottle of Constanzi’s compound in the fridge to help with the symptoms.  By that time, however, it’s almost too late.  You just have to sit there and wait for those things to work.  I guess in my excitement about my test scores I didn’t stay ahead of my preventative treatments.  I have to remember that even though the numbers look positive, I’m still injecting poison into my body.  And it has a cumulative effect, I should know better by now.  A funny occurrence this week.  Josie was bitten by an ant and was showing off her ant bite, making me promise not to pop it.  She said, “Dad, it hurts but probably not as much as cancer right?”  “Well, probably not sweetheart, but your ant bite is just as important to me.”

I’m both nervous and really looking forward to my trip to MD Anderson next week.  I hope that my blood test results correlate to the scan results or it’ll be somewhat of a gut punch.  My CEA score was up to 2.3, but it is still below 3 which is “normal,” but the uptick is making me nervous.  Everyone is dealing with the anxiety a little differently. Josie as stated is comparing everything to cancer.  Connor for the first time ever voluntarily spoke about my cancer to his teacher, informing her that we were going to Houston to get “dad tested, you know my dad has cancer right?”  Nita is rearranging the deck chairs so to speak.  She is releasing nervous energy by cleaning out toy closets, my valet (where I keep my watch, keys, wallet, etc. not a human servant), and various rooms and stations around the house.  Who can blame her, we're all a bit anxious about the results.

I even had a discussion with my priest about faith, doubt, and being practical.  Apparently Father Bill is also following the blog and stated that my pragmatism was obvious and preparing for bad news doesn’t remove optimism or faith from the equation.  We discussed milestones, goals for the kids, and what I would consider a “long” life…fruitful and amazing have already been taken care of.  We spoke more about it, but I’ll conclude with the exciting part.  He is traveling to Mexico next week and the same day I’m getting my scans he’ll be celebrating a mass in the Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe (big deal if you are a Catholic).  He promised to say a special prayer for me as well.  Talk about pulling out the big guns.  With all that, and all of you, what do I have to worry about?  Wednesday I’ll get my results and next week’s blog will hopefully have some really good news. 

It would be hard to diminish how many good things I have experienced over the last seven months.  First, I made it past the six month marker.  I’m not sure if all of you remember, but I was told in the beginning that my cancer, at my stage, a few years ago…well, six months would have been the number.  So we eclipsed that milestone a couple of weeks ago.  It actually occurred the same day as my best friend’s birthday dinner.  The reason for no fanfare was I didn’t want to squat on his day.  Second, I’ve grown much closer to my family and friends.  I don’t take nearly as much for granted and I certainly cherish both the simple and the special moments.  In fact, some of the simple moments are the most special aren’t they?  Finally, the support network that has sprung up and rallied around me is sincerely humbling.  I do not say lightly that you have helped me in this fight.  I cannot articulate how much it has meant knowing so many prayers, thoughts, and actions have been directed toward me and my family over the last seven months.  Thank you and God bless you all.  TeamMarco@austin.rr.com