Watching Over You

Watching Over You

We all remember the children’s song God is Watching Over You, right?  Or maybe it is still fresh in my mind because I still have one child in a Christian pre-kinder class and I hear it… a lot.  A few weeks ago I wrote about the extremely impactful nudges we get in our lives that we acknowledge (who knows how many we ignore or just don’t see).  There are millions of things going on in life that shape our mood, impact our relationships, and the choices we make.  If you are looking for the lesson, it is usually right there and obvious.  If not, like history, it is destined to repeat itself.

Tuesday night was one of what I call lottery nights.  For those of us stupid enough to buy lottery tickets on occasion and then parlay that with a prayer to actually win, sometimes that prayer is actually answered…if you know where to look.  My daughter Josephine is extremely intelligent and articulate for a five year old.  I’m not trying to brag (every parent thinks their child is the next great *fill in historical figure*) but she has cognitive abilities that far exceed her age.  She is very in tune with my cancer and asks very specific and relevant questions.  She also knows how to articulate her feelings as opposed to the “I don’t know” kids. 

This weekend was a baseball weekend.  Saturday was a two hour clinic for Connor, more on him later.  Then each child had a practice game on Sunday.  The games overlapped and since I’m helping coach both, I had to leave Connor’s coach pitch game and go help Josie’s tee ball team.  For a tee ball team we have a pretty solid bunch.  The kids are eager, pay attention, and are having fun…except for Josie.  She is not having fun.  She made the only out as a batter on our team.  After the game she said she wanted to quit.  I asked her why and (ready for this) she said, “Dad, I’m not having any fun.  I don’t like the running or the throwing.  I think maybe I only joined baseball because you like baseball.  So I probably only did it for you.  But I don’t want to play anymore, it’s just not fun for me.”  Wow.  Where do you go from there?  So we talked about the importance of trying different things and sticking things out, etc. The result was a concession that she’d give it ONE more practice to see if she would like it, but was fairly certain that she would not.  Plus there was a lot of negative baseball energy in the house (more later).

So Tuesday rolls around and all the kids are there at practice and we break them up in to small groups for drills.  Josie does not catch well, does not throw well, can run well but doesn’t during baseball, and she’s not a strong hitter.  It’s her very first year and frankly I’m shocked at her regression since we’ve been playing toss and catch for the last three years around the house.  In any case at the end of practice we did a light scrimmage with kids at positions, hitting, and running the bases.  Josie happened to be playing second base when our biggest hitter came up.  He hits the ball so hard that if you aren’t paying attention you’ll be going to the dentist for new chicklets. So this boy absolutely mashes a frozen rope right at Josie.  It was on her in less than a second…and she puts her glove down and stopped the ball cold, right in the sweet spot of the pocket. One inch higher, it hits the heel and she gets a wrist stinger; three inches left and it rockets off her shin and she cries for 10 minutes; a bad hop and she takes it off the chin with who knows how much blood depending on where her teeth, lips, and tongue were at impact.  It was truly a bang-bang play.  The kids on the team went insane and the coaches also joined in.  I went absolutely ape shit and ran over to her to give her a high five, I figured picking her up and spinning her around might be a bit over the top (but I was thinking it).  You couldn’t wipe the grin off her face.  We then went to dinner with my mom and Josie was talking about her catch and how maybe she shouldn’t quit because the team “needs her.”  Coincidence?  If you want to think so, sure.  If you know where to look, it’s a micro-miracle.  To have a person on the verge of quitting then make an impossible play (99% of all tee ballers in the world do not make that play), that completely changes their attitude, and decide they are in it for the season now…sure happens all the time.  Daddy wins the lottery.

Back to Saturday.  Connor did a baseball clinic and afterwards said it was the most fun he’s ever had playing baseball.  As stated weeks ago, he’s the worst player on our team.  But he’s having fun and we’re trying to get better.  There are issues that prevent him from making long strides developmentally, but again, he’s having fun and he’s loving baseball.  So Sunday we arrived a little early to do some work in the cage and I was the pitcher for our team in coach pitch.  Our team did okay the first time through the line-up and then I had to run to another field for Josie’s game.  My wife Nita stayed behind and watched Connor’s game from the stands.  The next time around apparently the kids were making fun of Connor and laughing at him.  Another coach stopped it and then they started chanting for him (not much better really).  But here is the thing, Connor doesn’t get embarrassed and he doesn’t understand people (other than his sister) mocking him.  He just doesn’t process that people are being mean to him.  He also doesn’t show or express pain, frustration, or anguish with failure.  He is just a little boy playing a game and having fun.  Sometimes you hit the ball, sometimes you don’t.  What a lesson we could learn from him huh?  So Nita was in tears and was thinking maybe we pull him out of it to save him from the ragging (and to be honest he’s a red head, this will not be the last time he gets some ribbing, it’s all part of my BJJ/Wrestling strategy as well – but that is another blog).  I then had to explain that it’s actually part of the game, but usually reserved for the better players on the opposing team at higher levels.  My explanation didn’t really make a dent.  But the best part was Connor.  I asked him what he thought of the game and he said it was fun.  He enjoyed playing and being out there with ME.  Not one mention of the teasing.  I’m going to talk to the team about what it means to be a good teammate and how making your teammates better will help later in life, blah blah blah.  But the miracle is this amazingly sweet boy didn’t even have a kink in his emotional armor.  He took the ribbing like any other grounder that might have come at him.  I didn’t know I could love him more than I already did.  Is it coincidence that his filter just kept this from bothering him?  And that he still loves this game?  Maybe, maybe not.

I know I show a lot of rainbow and unicorn stuff with our marriage, but like any other couple we’ve had our moments. There was one especially rough patch where I was really wondering about where we were and how we got there.  It wasn’t our finest time and it was tough as life threw us some external hardships right as we were managing a new baby.  Sure there is love and joy with a new child, but it completely changes the dynamic you once had.  You now have to balance your social calendar while removing the word “spontaneity” from your vocabulary.  There were also financial aspects and combined with job stress, etc….it was imposing to say the least.  So I was out playing golf and having a terrible round (this was back when I was a single digit handicapper).  I was chopping it up and playing with some pretty good guys so I was just getting slaughtered on the bets.  The golf course runs through our neighborhood and hole number 15 is close to my house so I decided to run home and make a quick bourbon roadie for the rest of the way in. As I was making my cocktail in the house I was just thinking about how unhappy I was.  As soon as I got back to the tee box I promptly made my first and only hole in one.  Well, I just went from the lowest low to the highest high.  I felt a warmth at that moment and a voice that told me to look for the positives in my life.  I looked at my house, life, new family and it changed my attitude.  Magically and suddenly, everything was okay.  Thank God, because what would I do without Nita in my life?  Or Connor every day?  What an idiot I was for even thinking the thoughts that were in my head (which shows that at times of weakness I need God more than ever). So, at that moment, in the depth of my self-inflicted despair, I happen to ace a golf shot.  Coincidence?  Maybe.

Thursday night was Connor’s first baseball game.  I had gotten fluids and a white blood cell booster shot earlier in the day.  So my bones were starting to ache a little by game time and my plantar fasciitis did not help.  I had to ice and put my brace on after the game.  A Hydro and an anti-inflammatory were also on the menu, and yes it was worth every minute.  But by some miracle for one and half hours, I didn’t feel bad at all. I pitched for our team and we played possibly the best team in the league.  Our team stood tall and we lost by one run.  Connor did not get a hit or have a ball hit to him.  Unlike other times, he didn’t ask if it was almost over or if we could go.  There was one inning where he didn’t play a position and we just sat on the bench together with my arm around him and joked about stuff. During one part he hopped up on the bench chair back and had his feet on the bench.  Where did he learn or see that? (For all my baseball guys out there, that is a veteran move isn’t it?) Every synapse and pain receptor melted away as I was 100% in the moment with my son.  My mother attended and while driving her home she stated that it reminded her of the hundreds of games she and my father attended over my life.  I too remember dad icing his arm and knees at times.  In fact when I was pitching at around 10 years old, I would have to throw 100 strikes before we could go in the house.  I became very accurate very quickly (yes it did destroy my arm, but that is the least of my concerns today, besides that was way before pitch counts and money ball).  Anyway, the key is what a great way to share my love with my son who is also loving the game.  I also have a new philosophy, “Coach on the field, Dad in the car.”  So there is zero negative feedback on the drive home or in the house.  We leave it on the field.

So it all comes back to attitude.  We have a choice in every situation.  The stimulus may be out of our control, but how we react is 100% our choice.  I won’t bore you with all the events that have happened since my dad gave me the laugh or cry about the same situation speech 41 years ago.  But suffice to say that the culmination of these events have helped me endure my cancer.  Those micro-miracles, God smacks, and nudges are the foundation which have allowed me to deal with my disease with confidence, hope, and dignity.  I do not feel sorry for myself and I hope I don’t come across as someone who seeks pity…because I don’t.  I’m also hoping that my strength and perseverance are lessons my children are learning, without even knowing it.  I love my family dearly and I know that I am loved by many.  We had a dinner with my best friends and wives Saturday night.  We laughed and told the same stories we’ve told a hundred times but they are still hilarious.  It was a birthday celebration and the date of the birthday happened to coincide with the day that my chemo finally “wore off” for the week.  So instead of being completely miserable or unable to attend; I was mostly at full speed and able to enjoy the food, the company, and endure a 3 hour meal.  Two days before and I may not have made it or I would have looked like a ghost.  The timing must have been purely coincidental right?

So there it is.  You can believe what you want.  I’m the luckiest guy and things just happen to fall in place at the right time.  Or you can believe that my blessings are not accidental and my acknowledgement of them perhaps open the door for more blessings.  Like Connor, it doesn’t bother me how you choose to interpret the events, not one bit.  I’m just happy playing the game and I know that God is watching over me, watching over me each day.  TeamMarco@austin.rr.com